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The Scarred Child

Whose blood is so cold,
that a child's life came to end
with a tragedy?
His flesh, marked by twisted scars.
that pierced through his aching heart.

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I understand that you are trying to highlight the child abuse. In my humble knowledge, I understand that 'the blood runs cold' means fear and 'cold blood' (e.g. in cold blood) means cruel. You will need to clarify you want to say 'fear' or 'cruel' here. Otherwise, I agree with you that we need to do more to stop the child abuse.

xxxxx

What if I write "whose blood is so cold" instead. What I wanted to say who is so cold hearted in the first verse withoutbeing too direct but as English is not my native language,sometimes I struggle when I try to express what I wanted to say. Thus I really appreciate any suggestions from anyone as I am still learning the language .

Alid

author comment

Hi Alidzain.
Short, sharp, piercing.
My blood runs cold with each real life horror story.
Well said. Jx

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Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.

Glad you liked it.

Alid

author comment

being cruel, right away! "Who's blood has run cold,
that a child life came to an end?"

But... you do have a point! It could there is a [fear] that a child's life came to an end through child abuse. Why not leave it the way it is and let people think of either way, whichever suits them. The effect is the same. You bring awareness to the problem. Nice work! ~ Gee.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

I still wonder if we could continue with the "showdown" of our characters in spite of with all the new responsibilities I have after being a member of the Malay Poet Society here in my country. Its tough but I really love it because I liked writing so much. Tell me what you think. If you think we should continue or start from a clean slate, I'll squeeze in some time.

Anyway, glad you liked this one.

Alid

author comment

on finding Killer a new cause. He needs to have something to get mad about. If your character is really mean and nasty and needs to be killed, Killer's your man! In spite of him being a killer and a cannibal, Killer is a nice guy. He only kills people that need it. ~ Gee.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

How about making them work together, fighting against Isis orsome terrorist network who ruined both
of their holidays.

Alid

author comment

Let's see what you have. Start something and P.M. me with it and we will give it a go. ~ Gee.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

I just get back from work. Let me think about it first.

Alid

author comment
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