Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Save Me...

Submitted by Geezer on Wed, 2019-12-11 09:00

Mr. Policeman, I don't want to die
I just want to go home to my wife and children
I just want to keep the fruits of my labor
I just want to support my family

Silence... There are no policemen, because
anyone who joins the police force is a retard
who just wants a reason to kill someone.

Please Mr. Soldier
Use your skills to save me
From the bullets and the rage
Of those that want my land, to enslave me

Silence... There is no military, because
Those that join the military just want to
enrich the arms-dealers and kill people

Someone please help me
Save me from short-sighted people
Who think that everyone is your friend
That we can all sit around the fire and sing Kumbya

Silence... No one is going to save you because
They are all running away from reality

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

scribbler

Wed, 2019-12-11 16:17

Volunteer badge

This one really captures the reality that threatens our country. Well done

Geezer

Thu, 2019-12-12 09:59

Geezer's picture
Volunteer badge

I just get so tired of the people that think that everything is so easy to fix. Just do away with guns and our violence problems will be solved; no more military and we won't have wars. Wake up! ~ Gee.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Edna Sweetlove

Thu, 2019-12-12 12:58

Edna Sweetlove's picture

This is quite amusing, so well done. My comments...

"...anyone who joins the police force is a retard
who just wants a reason to kill someone"
I fear this is a little US-centric where the police obviously have a pretty free hand in terms of killing people, especially people from ethnic minorities. However that doesn't mean to say they are retards; perhaps "bullying pigs" might be better. Here in the UK, the police seldom get to kill anyone, but they certainly often have fun with their batons, bashing in the heads of protesters and other perceived lefties.

"Those that join the military just want to
enrich the arms-dealers and kill people"
I fear this is assuming too much intelligence on the part of soldiers; it probably never occurs to them that part of the mission of a soldier is to make money for arms dealers and armaments manufacturers - if they had enough intelligence to realise this, they would buy shares in the gunmakers. But you are 100% right about their love of killing. That's what they are trained to do and that's what gets them all excited.

Upon reflection, this whole piece could be heavy-handed irony but I like to think not. I hope you're one of the good guys.

xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

Eumolpus

Thu, 2019-12-12 14:32

Eumolpus's picture

To me this one is way too simplistic and over zealous. Not all cops are such animals that just want to murder people nor all soldiers military capitalists. You know this.
The form of the poem works. I just can’t take the premises seriously

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Geezer

Thu, 2019-12-12 17:28

Geezer's picture
Volunteer badge

in a particular brand of sarcasm, mocking the premise. I do not believe that this is the truth. I subscribe to the idea that the police are [for the most part] helpful people that wish only to serve their community. I also believe that our military is a necessary evil, that is meant to protect our country and our allies. Please read the previous comments and the author's determination of intelligence and motive for joining the military. ~ Gee.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Edna Sweetlove

Fri, 2019-12-13 12:56

Edna Sweetlove's picture

As I said earlier, I had a horrid fear that this item might be heavy-handed irony I am sad to find out that's what it is and you didn't mean what you said. The whole point of sarcasmand irony is that they work best when one is amusing and this isn;t, I am sad to say.

xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

Eumolpus

Thu, 2019-12-12 18:05

Eumolpus's picture

or parody of some sort, but I wasn't convinced. If you are addressing (a perhaps cliche) group who are total anarchists and in that never never and zone of quotes by chairman Mao perhaps, but they are no different from other right wing cults on the right, or by religion...
but I didn't sense you were creating a satire. There's not enough ABSTRACT humor in it- making fun of the cliche with crazy images or whatever devise will work. Creating new words with "isms"...something that turns it from common speech into a poem.

A person who was unfamiliar with your work might read this and report you to homeland security.
Then they would take away all your guns! better not to publish it!

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.