Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Rise Again

Submitted by alidzain on Sun, 2016-11-13 21:10

Betrayed,
I've lost my way.
My heart, it's cracking,
leaking and losing peace

My soul, it's blinded
by the stabbing pain
when trust is a mistake
that left me so weak.

but if they think
they've crushed my will,
they really don't know me
for I won't stay down.

I'll always rise
every single time I fall
to grow stronger
and wiser than before.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

swamp-witch

Sun, 2017-03-19 16:44

swamp-witch's picture
Volunteer badge

I think these lines are great:

"My heart, it's cracking,
leaking and losing peace"

The image of leaking peace is very unique and fascinating to me. If you decide to revise this poem, an interesting idea may be to explore the idea of leaking more. Not only are you going to rise up, you're going to mend. You're going to regain the peace you've lost. You don't just become wise by saying it; you have lived experiences that allow you to become wiser. Mending yourself and finding peace again, letting yourself be vulnerable or try to love or trust again after heartbreak and betrayal and hurt is one way to find wisdom that many people never can accomplish.

Looking forward to your thoughts on this,
Kelsey

Critique, don't comment.

Community guidelines: https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

To see our learning resources, click the "Curated Resources" link under the Resources tab in the top menu bar.

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.