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Ribbons

don't let those
who see my back
discern the love you give
tonight
from clues
I’d kept company
with a cornered beast
dont let the rest
think you can't
grab a talon's worth
of fresh flesh
from an unmade man
untethered now
underneath you
remember ribbons
you tried to make
fuck your presents
be done wrapping
dig hands in
carve me from bone
and make the man
you know you want

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

This is a really good poem, I believe you should break it up to give more emphasis and punch, it's there just needs a little more work, I am an old member returned and if you want? I am happy to offer suggestions. Nothing major, just tweaks to give this one a lil more oomph.

nice to meet you

Sincerely, Jayne-Chloe

"My head is broken but unbowed" - William Ernest Henley

Hello, I would love your help and feedback, that would be wonderful. I agree it could use something. It's older this one, and its muse now lost long ago on the river but I can summon the moment succinctly and I feel I did a decent job of carrying the energy over into this decent cup without spilling much. If you could help me do better justice to seeing that energy all the way through I'd be grateful.

IO

author comment

It's nearly 5am here and I need to sleep but I have copied this and will show you some examples of edits you could consider and of course they are always just suggestions

Kind regards Jayne

"My head is broken but unbowed" - William Ernest Henley

you are one of my favorite poets here on Neopoet. I always am happy to see one of your poems in the stream. this poem is really good, and with Seren's help I know it can be even better. the reason you are a favorite of mine is because you own your feelings and are honest about them. I will be glad to read the results of your efforts with Seren.

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

What do you think of my suggestions? I had fun with this one IO gave me a little context and I had already done the edit but then I went and changed it again lol

love ya x

"My head is broken but unbowed" - William Ernest Henley

Here are my suggestions for an edit....

don't let those
who see my back
discern the love
you give tonight

clues I’d kept *agency*
with a cornered *savage*

dont let the rest
think you can't
grab a *unguis* worth
of fresh flesh
from an unmade man

untethered now
underneath you
remember*ing* ribbons ??? not sure about this one.. remembering flows better for me
you tried to make

fuck your presents
be done wrapping
dig hands in
carve me from *ossein*
and make the man

All my edits are obvuously * except of course how I broke it up
I hope I kept the flavour.

Knowing this went with your other poem gave me some insight
and helped in my re-edit I did it all over again lol

I changed bones to ossein because it felt and tasted better to me

As always my suggestions are just that, suggestions!!!

hugs

JC

"My head is broken but unbowed" - William Ernest Henley

suggestions. I'm glad to see others appreciation of I_O's poetry.

*hugs & love, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Thanks Cat. I enjoy his work and I'm slowly discovering others as time permits. I'm still easing my way back in and don't wanna be like a bull in a china shop. You know I can be excitable lol hugs

Love Always Jayne. Xoxox

"My head is broken but unbowed" - William Ernest Henley

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