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A Rhyme at Night

Submitted by Seren on Sun, 2014-01-26 07:39

Night has cast her darkened net
over the sphere of the bold,
gently laying out the black
starred with orbs foretold

Sheets of mist bedaub the earth
glistening strands of green,
second shades stain the trees
daubed with a greying sheen

Golden flowers rise to greet the night
opening their petals of soul,
swaying slowly with no might
within this a story unfolds

Cicadas croon to the southern Imps
it echoes along a tight string,
the grasshoppers not to be outdone
begin to raucously sing

Eventide sweeps across the skyline
in moving shadows of light,
in it dip the sleeves of my soul
within is the body I write

Across the cusp a half moon of life
begins to spill into day,
retreating from the growing bright
down my being must lay

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

raj

Sun, 2014-01-26 07:50

A beautiful recount of a sleepless you have captured so beautifully within these touching verses, creating all the sounds, moods and feelings which the sleepless mind endures while connecting while nature plays out its part..

Just a couple of suggestions for you to consider if you deem them to be worthy of change

Golden flowers rise greeting the night
(Golden flowers blooming the night)
opening their petals of soul,
swaying slowly with no might
within this a story is told

Eventide sweeps across the skyline
in moving shadows of light,
in it dips (dip) the sleeves of my soul
within is the body I write

i enjoyed the rhythm and the mood while reading through and through

much love and hugs..

raj (sublime_ocean)

Seren

Sun, 2014-01-26 07:56

Seren's picture

HAHA I was just doing a small edit as you commented I will change the 'dips' thanks for pointing that one out, I have changed the flowers line already so I will give your suggestion some thought, I hadn't posted a rhymer for a very long time so I am working on a few at the moment its been a nice change to writing in free verse ... After all I started out rhyming I didn't even know what free verse really meant ;)

I am very happy you liked this one you gave me a smile :) Thanks for taking the time to read and leave your suggestions

much love and hugs JC xxx

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

author comment

Race_9togo

Tue, 2014-01-28 23:49

Race_9togo's picture
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one of those timeless little poems that make you forget the world, for an instant that feels almost eternal.
I see from your post with Raj that you are working on some rhyme. I think I may indulge in the same - its been awhile.

This is beautiful.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Seren

Thu, 2014-01-30 07:24

Seren's picture

That's a beautiful thing to say thank you so much, I am working on some more complicated rhymer's but this one seemed to come with ease and I thought I would post it and hopefully I would get some constructive feedback...

thanks for the read and the visit I am really happy you liked it

much love JC xxx

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

author comment

Ian.T

Wed, 2014-01-29 04:22

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A vision of a lady in a flowing nightdress stood by a window swaying with the creep of night then still swaying in a sleeplike state of awakeness to watch the dawn arrive as it must..
Lovely write 10/10 take care and know that there are ones that sway with you to the sound of a sleepless night, Yours as always Ian.T xx

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Seren

Thu, 2014-01-30 07:26

Seren's picture

It was a little like that actually it was a windy night when I wrote this one the curtains were billowing the night was beautifully cool, and then the image popped into my head then the poem came with the dawn...

I am very happy you liked this one since you my friend write much more rhyme than I do

love always JC xxx

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

author comment

Ian.T

Fri, 2014-01-31 18:47

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So it was the curtains I saw but what of you LOL, you know that we walk the same path sometimes together and sometimes in another hemisphere lol Take care young lady, You are in our thoughts, Yours Ian & friends

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Seren

Sat, 2014-02-01 07:44

Seren's picture

We have been walking this path together for a while now sometimes the going gets rough for one of us be we gather ourselves and move on with living, and the poetry :)

you take care my friend much love always JC xxx

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

author comment

alidzain

Fri, 2014-01-31 18:41

alidzain's picture

You have a wonderful descriptive piece here. i like the way you write.very natural.the flow of words, the rhyme. i like everything about it...

Alid

Seren

Sat, 2014-02-01 07:46

Seren's picture

Ah thank you so very much for your kind words I am happy you liked this one, I used to always write in rhyme then I crossed over to the dark side LOL (so to speak) and worked mainly in free verse or blank verse, I have hundreds of rhyming poems that aren't on here yet as time permits I will add them and edit and craft them a little bit more

thanks for your visit and your thoughts they are appreciated

love and hugs JC x

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

author comment

alidzain

Sat, 2014-02-01 07:53

alidzain's picture

That's what friends are for.. supporting you, encouraging you, helping you in your times of need. think a master poet is well-versed in both of the styles, so no problem there..;)

love and hugs
Alid

Seren

Sat, 2014-02-01 08:03

Seren's picture

I am blessed in that I have made some life long friends through Neo, I have been here quite a few years now coming up to five I might think, I have seen some pretty rough days in my time here but my closest friends have always supported me and been a power of strength, I am happy to have another friend, I am far from a master poet I am still learning like everyone else, but I do love to write and when I get into the mood I am prolific lol BUT prolific doesn't always mean good or even fair poetry it just means I am writing way too much :)

love and hugs JC x

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

author comment

alidzain

Sat, 2014-02-01 08:15

alidzain's picture

that's still good compared to me, girl. I am the opposite.

this writer's block is a bane
grrr.. making me insane
knock, knock, knock
the door to my brain is locked??
help! where is mr sherlock?
prolific, i'm certainly NOT..

love and hugs,
Alid

Seren

Sat, 2014-02-01 08:19

Seren's picture

There is poetry in every breath every motion, every small beauty that passes clear your mind close your eyes and just don't push it, the words are there you just have to let then find their own way out ;)

love and hugs JC xxx

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

author comment

alidzain

Sat, 2014-02-01 08:23

alidzain's picture

i hear you, girl. thank you

love and hugs
Alid

Seren

Sat, 2014-02-01 08:25

Seren's picture

Hugs

love JC x

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

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