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Refugee

Pack a bag my darling
It is time for us to leave
Pack a bag my darling
Place your trust in me
There is no school tomorrow
and my heart is full of sorrow
Pack a bag my darling
I know it must seem frightening
Put your big coat on
hurry now we've not got long
Chin up my love
be brave and strong.
Pack a bag my darling
Take one Teddy bear.
I know that you are hungry
I've packed some food to share
Wear your walking shoes
don't forget your hat
No I'm sorry darling
Theres no time to find the cat
Give daddy kisses xx
Daddys are staying behind
I hope that on our journey
New friends we will find
Now listen closely child
try to understand.
You must stay close to mama
and tightly hold my hand.
Have you packed a bag
My darling?
It is time for us to leave.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
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Not Explicit Content
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Comments

The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

/5

The poem "Refugee" is a heart-wrenching piece that captures the urgency and fear of a family fleeing their home. The repeated refrain of "Pack a bag my darling" emphasizes the need for quick action and the importance of the speaker's relationship with their child. The inclusion of practical details, such as packing food and wearing appropriate shoes, adds to the realism of the situation.

However, the poem could benefit from more specific imagery or sensory details to further immerse the reader in the experience. Additionally, the rhyme scheme feels a bit forced at times and may detract from the emotional impact of the piece.

One suggested line edit could be to replace "Give daddy kisses xx" with "Blow a kiss to daddy, dear" to maintain the same sentiment while also fitting better with the rhythm of the poem.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

This one made me think about the displacement of people world wide, through war, climate change and those who have no alternative but to leave their country for political reasons. It paints a perfect picture, sad and frightening for all of us. Well done, Ruby :)

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

too often told. I agree with Ruby on this point.
The pace seems to the point, without a frenzy, but like something that has been thought about and decided for some time.
The beginning is well told and the whole thing moves along, telling the story as if to a child and what they are told; not the whole story, [which would obviously frighten the child even more that the sudden move]. The ending emphasizes the need for haste. Nicely done!
~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

I'm left feeling your piece is too tame for the subject.
Sorry, but its too nice!

obi.

Here is a poem by Brian Bilston.

Refugee

They have no need of our help
So do not tell me
These haggard faces could belong to you or me
Should life have dealt a different hand
We need to see them for who they really are
Chancers and scroungers
Layabouts and loungers
With bombs up their sleeves
Cut-throats and thieves
They are not
Welcome here
We should make them
Go back to where they came from
They cannot
Share our food
Share our homes
Share our countries
Instead let us
Build a wall to keep them out
It is not okay to say
These are people just like us
A place should only belong to those who are born there
Do not be so stupid to think that
The world can be looked at another way

(now read from bottom to top) !!!!!!!!

I like the second poem better read from bottom to top. thanks for this.

*hugs, Cat

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When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
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this poem is poignant and hard hitting... a lot of feeling went into the making.

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Many thanks for your comments .I tried to write it putting myself in the position . ..although my children are not young now I did try to shield them ,as we all do , at times of hardship. Love the Brian Bilston poem , from both points of view x

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