Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

RAINBOW BANG

Submitted by Esker on Wed, 2016-03-30 10:55

arched freedom
the sweat glistens
like fresh rain on a waxed
board
the summer hoards
gather neath bright
umbrella
cool streamer drizzle
drifts downward
to the gooseflesh
excited
the hungry breakers
curl like a mouth with
frothing lip
and great blue tongue
the longing deep
inside
to slide down the
ride
the pipe
knowing danger
lurks in primitive
beasts
at heels rush
the thrill
that brush

Brilliant bobbed
hair in cotton candy
blue
hardy and lithe
she smiles
leaping cross the
sands softened
darkness
the others chasing
like warriors
they merge with boards
and paddle hard
against the dark
aqua and sky
far out they swim
to turn and ride
and the sun
burns a shimmer
through the clouds
to glimmer
the rays
of glory
on youth
ecstatic
sunshot framed

..

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

DiPrima

Sat, 2016-06-18 10:20

DiPrima's picture

Hey, Esker:
Love the imagery and language. Not sure what "bang" in the title means, but I get the rest of the piece. Very nice.

Guess I'll have to take a workshop (I'm a newbie) to understand a few things about your structure:

What form is it? -- Free verse, prose poetry, something else?

Love the lines below. Why break them into four lines instead of three? What is the rationale for all your line breaks and for not using punctuation?

the hungry breakers
curl like a mouth with
frothing lip
and great blue tongue

Thanks again for an enjoyable read.

Cheers ... Mike

Esker

Sat, 2016-06-18 10:32

Esker's picture

free verse....not sure what it is really
un tamed?

the breaks and paragraph displacement
I just got from visual looking and
reading poetry...usually in the beginning
of paragraph and end its some kind
of vignette...a thought loop of sorts
like a chain
to me anyway

I found orignally when I started here
in July of 2007....two overhaul of
systems ago
that when writing I could not keep
a train of thought too a poem
if I was stopping to look for the
proper keys concerning the
punctuation and shift etc...
so I just ended up not using
them knowing that would throw
a lot of readers off

a lot of the poetry I was reading
in the eighties did not have
the punctuation

and I still disregard it
a personal opinion of mine
not too

Rainbow was for the sky
with storms that brings breakers
and the curling mists...waterfall
where the sun shines through
the small rainbows
mists...breakers...
I remember this on the coast
climbing the crumbling sand
and stone heaps on the
shoreline below seattle
the spray...

Bang was like Bang Bang
an old expression...
if one saw something
exciting...it was an exclamation
of sorts...

a rap song popular in the
eighties went...
Ommp there it is....with a
steady beat...
but further back.
Bang on....
Or the finger extended
to someone in discussion
when a point was made
that was strongly relevant
would be cause to
go 'Bang"

in the modern world it
now is most associated
with a sexual connotation
but then again
for shock value
sometimes I throw in
a title that grabs the
senses...

I fear water like I fear
flying
and social settings
no eye hand co ordination
or balance much
I can ride a bike well
finally...
no tricks....no riding
without holding the
handlebars
I am phsycally too
tall too top heavy
for this too work

surfing too me would
be the ultimate
sensation...
like me wanting to learn
how to play drums
either things I was too
busy with work and
demanding crazy
creative driven women
for any leeway

we didnt even see any
surfers...no breakers
but I do enjoy the thoughts
and the u tube vids

thank U for the comments!

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.