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Rain

Submitted by Mr joghe on Sat, 2022-05-21 15:17

Rain, I heard that you moved
From the earth to the sky
Tell me how you moved
Without crawling or walking
Are you a magician of the ancient?
If you have walked one million miles
You must be tired by now

Rain, you have poured
From the sky, down on me
Tell me how you poured than usual
Is there a water-spout you flowed through?
Did you pour by the force of nature?
I'm wondering about your secret
But my water-pots are waiting for your visit
Elulu is calling your lineage panegyric
While the Day-boys sing hatred of the rhyme
Rain, rain, go away...

Rain, I heard that you’re coming back
Because anything that goes up must come down
Is that the reason?
But someone has gone up since I've known you
And he hasn't come down

Rain, tell me
When you’re coming back
So, I can wait at the station
To help you carry your luggage home.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Geezer

Sat, 2022-05-21 18:19

Geezer's picture
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I am making an assumption here, so I may be wrong.
I assume that Rain is a deity [god] or minor god.
On that note, I will base my my comments and critique.

The lines: Even you walked one million miles
you must have got tired by now.

Without changing the meaning of it; this is how I would write it.

If you have walked one million miles
You must be tired by now

Rain, you have poured
From the sky, down on me

How have you poured more than usual?
Is there a water-spout you flowed through?

I would delete [Or water-resistant in the sky]. Not making sense.

Did you pour by the force of nature?

I'm wondering about your secret

But my water-pots are waiting for your visit

Elulu is calling your lineage panegyric
While the Day-boys sing hatred of the rhyme
Rain, rain goes away...

But someone has gone up since I've known you
And he hasn't come down

The lines in between the ones I have pointed out
are okay and should be kept the place and way that they are.
I hope that this is helpful to you. ~ Geezer.
.

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Candlewitch

Sun, 2022-05-22 06:09

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I see that Geezer has gotten here before me...giving you excellent advice! I can only add, telling you my favorite lines:

Rain, tell me
When you’re coming back
So, I can wait at the station
To help you carry your luggage home.

*hugs, Cat

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