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The Race

At the starting line,
My heart beats in anticipation.
This is the moment of truth,
a chance to be a champion

After months of training,
the time is finally here
Let the world witness
the fruits of my labour

The sound of the gun heard
the race started with a burst of speed.
The fans roared in excitement
as track warriors compete

I'm not running here
I'm flying! Soaring against the wind
For the fans who believed in me
I will spread my wings

The last lap is approaching
muscles screaming, seconds ticking
To God, I sent a silent plea,
give me strength in my hour of need

My spirit is rising
my arms are spreading.
Will I embrace glory
or will I succumb to defeat?

At the last moment,
everything else ceased
I charged ahead
the hunter's will unleashed

My body feels like jelly
as my knees buckled under me.
All I could do is breathe
as weariness took over me

Lying on the ground,
my voice eludes me
I see my coach smiling
as he approaches me

There is pride in his eyes
as he congratulates me
while I find myself speechless,
consumed by the emotions in me

Today,
I have embraced
Glory

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

Many good verses, I can't choose but I really loved how you have stated the winning feelings. I thought the last two stanzas are very lively indeed.

For the last few lines "Today,
I have embraced
Destiny"

I thought maybe "glory" works better than "destiny", but it depends on the meaning you want to convey of course.
Thanks for sharing.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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I've done a haiku entitled "winter". Would like to hear your suggestion for improvement as this is my first haiku I have ever written.

Alid

author comment

thank you, Rula. I am glad you like it.

Alid

author comment

Apparently this poem could well have been inspired b the Olympic spirit which you have scripted nicely through this poem....I suggest you replace "spectators" and/or "people" with "fans" in S4L3 and S4L3...

nicely done...

regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

thanks raj. I've edited it

Alid

author comment

Good to know Alid that you found the suggestion worthy of change...

keep writing, keep expressing through the gateway of your poems...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

LOL. You mean "good to know", right? :)

Alid

author comment

Oh sorry, I did mean "good to know" and corrected the spello ...lol

raj (sublime_ocean)

I've discussed this piece with one of my ex-teachers. She sugested that I take away all my ' I ' ( personal) pronouns and leave my sentences choppy, very short and in a way a little disjointed, to illustrate the breathlessness as if I'm taking quick gasps of breath with the pounding anticipation of a competitor and leave just one or 2 references to myself (eg my fans roaring ) to show it is first-person
Would that style better help to capture the heightened tension of the runner? Most runners don't think in full sentences ... What do you think?

Eg
... starting line...
... heartbeat in anticipation...
... moment of truth...
... chance to be a champion

Alid

author comment
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