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The Pumpkin Patch

Submitted by Mark on Mon, 2023-11-20 14:06

Half an acre of squash lay behind chicken wire fence painted green
How I hated that man down the road for insulting my queen
True to me she always had been, it was him who committed the sin
Like all haters, karma has its way, they say, “ya get out what ya put in”.

Like a vine he had choked the neighborhood’s love
But tonight, I leave the guts of pumpkin with a shove
The good little paper boy he knew would be a revenge to begin
Tonight, it is my sin on him to make to his head spin

Pumpkins, yellow, orange and green covered that patch of land
If I could just get one, I thought, I could do an evil deed by hand
A gate I eyeballed as I moved to the southern corner
Untying the wire, I crept into the body of color

A hunter’s moon lit up my way, but I feared a long stay
The vines of three were quite brittle as I snapped them away
Heavy they were as I hustled my way through the gate
Staggering down the unfinished road home with the moon as a guide

Weary from my journey and in need of a rest I sat at the foot of his drive
Smashing those pumpkins through the window of his door – I’m alive
One last big toke “Don’t ever call my queen a whore!”
And then I went back for more

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Workshop: 
Earn A Poem Workshop 1
Contest: 
Neopoem Of The Week November 19th to November 25th 2023.
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Mon, 2023-11-20 20:10

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem 'The Pumpkin Patch' effectively employs narrative techniques to tell a story of revenge. The use of vivid imagery, such as "Half an acre of squash lay behind chicken wire fence painted green" and "Pumpkins, yellow, orange and green covered that patch of land", paints a clear picture in the reader's mind and brings the setting to life.

However, the rhythm and meter of the poem could be improved. The lines vary significantly in length, which can disrupt the flow of the poem. Consistency in line length can help to create a more rhythmic reading experience.

The poem could also benefit from a more consistent rhyme scheme. While some lines rhyme, others do not, which can be disorienting for the reader. Establishing a clear rhyme scheme can help to create a sense of cohesion and structure.

The poem's language is generally clear and accessible, but there are a few instances where the meaning is somewhat unclear. For example, the phrase "it is my sin on him to make to his head spin" is somewhat confusing. Revising for clarity can help to ensure that the reader fully understands the narrative and the speaker's motivations.

Finally, the poem's themes of revenge and hatred are clearly conveyed, but the speaker's reasons for these feelings could be more fully explored. Providing more insight into the speaker's relationship with the man down the road could help to deepen the reader's understanding of the poem's emotional stakes.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Mon, 2023-11-20 14:16

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I have commented on this one before, so I will just say that I noticed that [choked] doesn't need a [c]. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Mark

Mon, 2023-11-20 14:22

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But for a free poem huh?
Besides, it's that time of year lol
Thanks for looking at it again Geez,
Mark

read/comment it's a win win
I was here now I disappear..

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