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Pride Of A Warrior (To all my friends here)

Submitted by alidzain on Sun, 2016-08-14 22:25

The shadow of death crawls across his face
but there lies a burning will in his eyes,
commanding the strength to fight with grace
against the odds, the cruel fate that rise.

When others' courage falter, his will not.
He's the spirit of every man who stands
when life is full of aches and dreams have rot
His heart, it beats with pride that knows no end.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

lovedly

Sun, 2016-08-14 22:30

lovedly's picture

and yet ......there lies

here either
and or yet
are superfluous
u may c
OR
just let it b

alidzain

Sun, 2016-08-14 23:07

alidzain's picture

not true. If I don't like advice, I won't be here.

Alid

author comment

Vivovon

Mon, 2016-08-15 18:18

Hello alidzain,

You expressed a painful experience with a daring heart to face up. It has an upbeat theme.

The following passage is nothing to do with the poem but just a matter of thoughts.
One different view is that "when the fate is cruel face it with a humble heart", but not with a proud heart. This is an ancient wisdom I learned from my ancestors. In my experience, keeping my pride as low as possible has saved me from the breakdowns. In my view, humbleness and humility together constitute the greatest strength.

This is simply a description of different opinion and different aspect of dimension. Our world is very complex and human responses are circumstantial.

xxxxx

alidzain

Tue, 2016-08-16 04:39

alidzain's picture

Yeah we do have a different opinion. What I want to say in this piece is that the warrior is proud to make a stand even if he did not survive the aftermath. You see there are people who are very ill here and from what I have heard is that their condition are not getting any better, so I want them to have the fierce determination to continue to fight and be strong until the end. I don't know if I have delivered that message here. If there is somewhat lacking, please offer your suggestion. As someone whose native language is not English and a student of poetry, I need lots of guidance.

Alid

author comment

Vivovon

Wed, 2016-08-17 13:26

Hello alidzain,

Your message is clear and presentation is powerful. It is just that I cherish a different view of life. Let us just keep it in that way. Thank you for the discussion.

xxxxx

alidzain

Wed, 2016-08-17 18:18

alidzain's picture

;D

Alid

author comment
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