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POETIC LIKE A SONNET
Let’s Sonnetize our Love
O beautiful woman I see every day
striding about the Garden of Eden
Singing a song of our maiden foreplay
like two sincere hearts honest and even.
But then your smiles of hallelujah, lullaby
bring to my deaf ears a sound for a while
You seem to say Dear Lover let’s fly
into the darkest corners where only heavens smile.
My desires you seem to know in advance
as I sing about you and then hold on.
Sincerely you love dance and romance
I have to render a hand before you are gone
The sweeping you off your feet from the floor
makes me believe you will come to my door.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Rosewood Apothecary
Sat, 2022-07-16 04:08
Awesome!
Such a well written poem. Very clear beginning and end. Great logic in a very well moving piece. A+.
Tim
lovedly
Sat, 2022-07-16 11:41
Thanks for d
A PLUS===++++++
Geezer
Sat, 2022-07-16 07:49
Hmmmm...
Rendering a hand before you are gone? ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
lovedly
Sun, 2022-07-17 17:10
Gee
before Igo shall let uuuuuuu know
and u knoe
Geezer
Mon, 2022-07-18 00:00
I thought...
more like "rendering a hand" in like: a little self-manipulation? LoL
~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
lovedly
Mon, 2022-07-18 11:13
lol yes
but manipulation i could not understand
GEE
Geezer
Mon, 2022-07-18 14:11
How about...
tossing off, stroking it, choking the chicken? LoL ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
lovedly
Mon, 2022-07-18 15:38
Reply to QS
Thanks
GEE
Lord Barham
Wed, 2022-07-20 15:40
suggestions
Your poem is almost metered (and has a natural metering irrespective of beat-counting). I would ditch the word "our" in line 3, even though this reduces the beat count to 9. Otherwise you have a jarring trochee that doesn't flow with the sentiments of the poem. Get rid of "then" in line 5 and make hallelujah and lullaby into a single hyphenated word (so ditch the comma): hallelujah-lullaby. I'm wondering how we could fix line 6 (It seems a bit awkward). Line 8 is overlong: you can get it down to ten beats while tightening it up as follows: Into darkest corners where heavens smile. (I tend to follow Ezra Pound's dictat: keep unnecessary verbiage out!) IN line 11, start with "So" for two reasons: it clarifies what follows in connection with this line, and it fills out the line to give it ten beats. Thus: "So sincerely you love dance and romance". Line 12 has 12 beats which will take some editing to reduce down to ten, if you want this to be a metered as well as a rhymed poem. (It's so close, I personally would sweat blood and broken glass to make it work, which admittedly, I sometimes do!) If we turn "have to" to "must" which means the same thing), you lose one beat. Turning You are into you're loses a second beat. One to go! However, I think you can leave the extra beat, because, to remove it, would make the line flow less smoothly. Thus, those two lines would be rendered: So sincerely you love dance and romance/I must render a hand before you're gone.
I hope I am not being too impertinent suggesting these changes! They are offered because I see the outlines of a great poem here, but it is not quite there yet.
lovedly
Wed, 2022-07-20 22:28
grateful LORD
Too complicated for me if you can redo as sonnets are on your finger tips I shall bow and post it your name included thanks once more
Lord Barham
Sun, 2022-07-24 16:30
reply to reply
It is almost a sonnet. It has the requisite number of lines and is almost perfectly metered into iambic pentameter. And it has a rhyme scheme (but, since I can't read it while commenting, I can't say if the rhyme scheme is Shakespearian, though I seem to recollect it was. If you want me to render it into a sonnet, I would be happy to try, but won't make any changes you don't approve of.
Have just had a boo, and sure enough, the rhyme scheme is Shakespearian. So, you almost have a perfect sonnet! Just need to touch up those lines to remove extra beats or add beats where they're short. Be right back!
Lord Barham
Sun, 2022-07-24 16:47
How's this?
Oh beautiful woman I see each day
Striding about the Garden of Eden
Singing a song of maiden foreplay
Like two sincere hearts, honest and even.
Your smiles – a hallelujah-lullaby –
Bring to my deaf ears a sound for a while
That seems to say, "O dear lover, let's fly
Into darkest corners where heavens smile."
My desires you seem to know in advance
As I sing about you and then hold on.
So sincerely, you love dance and romance,
I must render a hand before you're gone.
Such sweeping you off your feet from the floor
Makes me believe you will come to my door.
lovedly
Sun, 2022-07-24 17:19
ALL I KNOW ABOUT SONNETS
Yes Shakespeare's style
abab cdcd efef gg ....14 lines right..
yes now I recall many helped me
else I'd never would have succeed
you are RIGHT
Lord Barham
Sun, 2022-07-24 21:53
reply to reply
You should write more sonnets. The Shakespearean ones aren't too difficult once you get into the rhythm of them. After a while, they almost seem to write themselves.
lovedly
Sun, 2022-07-24 22:51
Thanks I compose naturally
Free style since age 9
knowing nothing
Yet poems flow
I learnt later and saw
the NIAGARA FALLS
Now I love Niagara more
Poetry is on the floor
yet all read me more and more
thanks bro
Ray Whitaker
Tue, 2022-07-26 12:26
Sonnets seem to such a strict form
I like yours…. Like you, I am under-educated as to the styles of different sonnet writings.
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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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lovedly
Tue, 2022-07-26 16:24
you are still born a poet
I'm a
poeYET
only 83
still in incubation
in poetic womb
no not to tomb
lovedly
Thu, 2022-08-11 13:32
why the eerie
silence I wonder still sonnets compose I WILL