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From the pen of a C R A P poet

Submitted by lovedly on Sun, 2017-03-12 06:25

What a poet
X and Y combined
thou art!

I knew from the very start

in the cover of darkness
sail boats like every day
some more in weight weigh
MORE Y than X today
have a chromosomatic date
all the miles away
from Ontario to the world's most corner
pathway
let words of poetry replay

X and Y
or vice versa
the world still needs younger ones
7.5 billions will soon fade away
come let's play

Come Mars and Venus
will revolve
some day
one day
if not today

and

a new race
may evolve
in between
our universe

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Geezer

Sun, 2017-03-12 15:36

Geezer's picture
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has promise. I'm not sure of the intent to this poem, so I can't really tell, but I think that you might re-work or leave out the lines that say:

have a jolly good day
the internet screams through life's way
where on Earth do you reside since yesterday

Do they have a special significance? Do you mean that you have been trying to make contact with someone and are asking where have they been? ~ Gee.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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lovedly

Mon, 2017-03-13 01:29

lovedly's picture

done

author comment

Sparrow

Mon, 2017-03-13 05:01

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I agree with Gee but the bones are good just that a little rearrangement would be great and bring in a strong reason for the write,
Take care young Bard, Yours, Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

lovedly

Mon, 2017-03-13 07:27

lovedly's picture

what else
and
where do you feel
the bones are weak

author comment
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