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A PAUSE IN THE TRAIL
I look back upon this lengthy trail
and barely see where it began
for it's faded like a white contrail,
like any effort left by man.
Distance masks the rougher parts.
From here rivers seem mere brooks.
There's no sign of the stops and starts
or short rests earned in restful nooks.
Overall the path has been ascending
and full of forks along the way
which I often chose merely depending
on the whim which struck that day.
Until those choices led me here
where the final peak has come in sight.
I know that if I persevere
I'll one day scale that soaring height.
But as this journey grows in length
why must the grade's incline increase
just as old legs decline in strength,
when force and span of strides decrease?
Yet I'll just keep plodding on,
as if I really have a choice,
until it comes that final dawn
and I once more hear my father's voice
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
Did the metaphor come through?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Geezer
Tue, 2012-01-31 09:26
The metaphor came through...
loud and clear Stan. I liked it much. You have a way of bringing nature and man together in your work like few others I know. I know that not many people read a work the same way, so I can't be sure about the meter, it seems a little rough here and there, but overall, it is a good piece. ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
scribbler
Tue, 2012-01-31 13:37
Hi Gee
I'm glad it worked for you. I know I've visited this subject a few times before but I'll keep returning to it until I get it right lol.And feel free to point out the spots you think are rough..............stan
author commentGeezer
Wed, 2012-02-01 09:25
Since you asked...
1] for it's as faded as a contrail,
like any effort made by man
2] or sparse breaks in restful nooks
3] which I often chose depending
4 ]and I hear again, my father's voice
As always, ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
scribbler
Wed, 2012-02-01 12:48
Hi Gee
Much easier to check something that's specifically pointed out. Appreciate it and will stew and simmer and scratch my head, and other body parts lol, then see if I can better this.....................stan
author commentwesley snow
Wed, 2017-07-19 08:26
Don't try to better it.
The thing is fine as is. Where do you find the time to write?
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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scribbler
Wed, 2017-07-19 08:39
When
I first started back writing (about 40 years after writing my first poem) i was writing sometimes 3-4 a day. But I've slowed down now to about 3-4 per week.I usually write late at night but try to keep a notebook hang in case I need to make a note when muse hits. And thanks for the kind words. BTW do you know how to see in what manner a poem has been edited?
author commentwesley snow
Thu, 2017-07-20 08:33
Not really.
I don't know how to use the "revisions" button.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
scribbler
Thu, 2017-07-20 08:55
Just
Go to the area above the poem and hit "revisions" this will give you a choice of different ways to track all the changes which have been made to a poem, easy peasy
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