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Parkinson's Abyss (eddy styx)original and revision
Parkinson's Abyss
stricken
by this hellish
affliction
their wounds know not
the cleansing of
bleeding
while time
ravages on
vile cruelty
of this
tiresome waiting game
takes its toll
on both
flesh and spirit
---------Anna's Revision Below----------
struck
by this hellish
affliction
their wounds know not
the cleansing
blood
of time
ravages a
vile cruelty
this
tiresome waiting game
takes its toll
on both
flesh and spirit
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
this piece was written for two friends of mine, both suffering from Parkinson's Disease.
thanks for reading,
eddy styx (& cat)
suggested revision by Kailashanna. Take your pick.
Editing stage:
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Region & Country
Northwestern Wisconsin USA
Favorite Poets
Edgar Allan Poe, William Blake, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Carlos Castaneda and many more.
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Comments
Roscoe Lane
Mon, 2012-07-09 18:01
Wow,
What to say, sorry for your friends first off. Then this piece, It really is an unseen wound that blood can't gel, and time passes and it grips. With this i'd say you've done a wonderful job. Love Roscoe..
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
Candlewitch
Tue, 2012-07-10 11:06
Dear Roscoe,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this poem with me.
always, eddy (& cat)
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentKailashana2
Mon, 2012-07-09 19:03
Hi, I think I know who they
Hi, I think I know who they are.
May I offer a couple of suggestions?
*Struck* is much more a powerful word to begin this poem with.
Also:
their wounds know not
the cleansing
blood
of time
(I think it's a bit more elegantly phrased)
ravages a
vile cruelty
this
tiresome waiting game
takes its toll
on both
flesh and spirit
~Anna
p.s. How are you doing, Hubby?
Candlewitch
Tue, 2012-07-10 11:08
hello Anna,
Thank you for your suggestions.
Steve is doing fine, working hard, but he is good.
always, eddy (& cat)
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentRula
Tue, 2012-07-10 03:23
I sympathize
impressive words and form that go hand in hand.
Powerful words especially
their wounds know not
the cleansing of
bleeding
while time
ravages on
vile cruelty
of this
tiresome waiting game
thanks for the post dear Cat.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
Candlewitch
Tue, 2012-07-10 11:14
Rula!!!
So pleasant to hear from you! Thabnk you for you comment!
always, eddy (& cat)
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentIan.T
Tue, 2012-07-10 10:55
Anna
Eddy did a great job here taking away things and never asking for consent,
Creepy little creature lurking about stealing so much lol.
I am going to have a word with Mother Care and their contract department about him....
Sorry to hear that your friends have to go through so much I send them good thoughts of healing, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
Candlewitch
Tue, 2012-07-10 11:16
Dearest Ian,
Thank you so very much for you consideration and generosity. I know your healing thoughts will be appreciated.
always, eddy (& cat)
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentlou
Tue, 2012-07-10 12:44
Cat
Hey ,
to me your version is a little raw, and that goes well with the theme.. Althoughh the word struck is a stronger word.
love
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Candlewitch
Wed, 2012-07-11 11:25
Dear Lou,
Thanks for reading! And I do agree with the word "struck".
love, cat (& eddy)
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentCandlewitch
Wed, 2012-07-11 11:29
Dear Lonnie,
Thank you. I appreciate your reading and commenting in both forums. Your input is always welcome.
always, eddy (& cat)
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentKailashana2
Tue, 2012-07-10 16:49
I put spaces between
I put spaces between paragraphs for emphasis. You removed them, Cat. That changed the poem.
But hey, it's your poem, and your idea. We can only offer suggestions. In any case, it's the thought that counts, eh?
~A
Candlewitch
Wed, 2012-07-11 11:32
Dear Anna,
my fault... I was in a hurry and I always make mistakes when I rush. I hope I have fixed it. Thank you for pointing it out. I am always interested in your opinions.
always, eddy (& cat)
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentKailashana2
Wed, 2012-07-11 11:56
No problemo, Cat I mean Eddy,
No problemo, Cat I mean Eddy, I mean Cat, this has been a good exercise for all of us. In another group I belong to the same two people make the same references to *experts* and how poems should be written according to their expeitise. It's so boring. Poem must come from the heart and with a little luck, perseverance, practice and dedication, we can and do *hit our stride*.
~A