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Paper Faces

Submitted by Joan Rolls on Sat, 2015-10-24 06:51

Death, it sucks. It sucks for those left living
Those photos, with you and I smiling
They make me so sad, I want to scream
I need to run, to hide, to never dream

There are so many of you gone now,
All stuck in a book, a frame or a box
Friends and babies, pets and a lover
Uncles and aunts, a dad and a brother

Black and white, sepia or in colour
Your faces on my walls, flat under glass
Imprinted in my brain, embedded in my heart
Smiling, paper faces just tearing me apart

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Geezer

Sat, 2015-10-24 10:56

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presentation! I really enjoyed this one! I liked the story, I liked the word usage and the ending. It seemed to flow very well and the way you rhymed the last two lines instead of all lines or every other, added to the show. Nice work, ~ Geezer

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Joan Rolls

Sat, 2015-10-24 15:28

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Thanks geezer. The last workshop must have influenced my style somewhat! Joan

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Rula

Sat, 2015-10-24 13:32

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This is a touching piece. I bet anyone and everyone can relate to it. The title fits really well.
I would drop the word "death" because it's implied in the rest of the first verse. (IMO)
As we have just finished the workshop, I'd also suggest changing the trochaic lines to iambic for a better flow, just my opinion.
Thanks for sharing.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
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Joan Rolls

Sat, 2015-10-24 15:25

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Thanks rula. I changed dead to gone. Better I think. Funny how I wrote it in trochaic. Dont usually. Ill try it in iambic also as you suggested. Joan

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raj

Sat, 2015-10-24 15:38

Joan, some noteworthy aspects of this poem for me:-

truly "touching" as Rula has commented
beautiful rhyme sequence which is not at all forced
creates the mood , emotions and sentiments of the poet so honestly
i liked the repetition of the words "it sucks" in the opening line,
a befitting title too..

a pleasure reading this poem even though it expresses the sad mood..

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Joan Rolls

Sat, 2015-10-24 16:43

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Thankyou. Glad you like it. Joan

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wesley snow

Sat, 2015-10-24 16:49

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I liked the "rhythm" of the poem for the most part. "Metrically" I would have preferred to have heard a more consistent one (which means deciding which meter you will use and using it).
The subject is too close to talk about.

Don't change this poem, but I challenge you to write your next poem in one meter only with a consistent rhyme scheme. In other words... a structured Western poem.
I would love to help if you're willing. I think the organization you showed in the workshop exercises should influence your poetry for a little while.
Think about it.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Joan Rolls

Sat, 2015-10-24 18:14

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Thanks wesley. Ill give it a go. Joan

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