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Only A Memory

Submitted by alidzain on Fri, 2017-03-03 05:03

Devoid of your touch,
the night has turned so cold.
Loneliness has stretched
the seconds in my life
to an eternity
which threatens my sanity.

Sometimes, I thought
I saw your face
and reached out to feel
your skin again
but the illusion fades away
and my tormented soul
screamed in anguish.

So many words left unsaid.
My heart sank in bitter regret.
If only I could live with you
by my side once more,
I'll beg you to forgive this fool
and I'll strive to mend my ways

But alas, it's too late
for you have gone
and all I have
is a memory
which haunts my mind
wherever I go.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

Rula

Fri, 2017-03-03 07:04

Rula's picture
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do some culling /trimming here and there, other than that I like it and the sentiments there.
Be well brother

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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alidzain

Fri, 2017-03-03 09:32

alidzain's picture

Thanks for the visit, the read and the comment. Mayhaps you can show me how to trim it. I wanted to do it but not sure how to go about it without changing the message.

Alid

author comment

Rula

Fri, 2017-03-03 10:02

Rula's picture
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Devoid of your touch,
the night has turned so cold
(and) loneliness has stretched
the seconds in my life
to an eternity
which threatens my sanity.

Sometimes, I thought
I saw your face
and reached out to feel
your skin again
but the illusion fades away
and my tormented soul
screamed in anguish.

So many words left unsaid.
My heart, (it) sank in bitter regret.
If only I have another chance
to turn back the hands of time,
I'll beg (for) you to forgive this fool
and I'll strive to mend my ways

(But)Alas, it's too late
for you have gone
and all I have
is a memory
which haunts my mind
wherever I go.

I'd drop the words and add the (but) in that last stanzabetween the brackets, just my thoughts

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

alidzain

Fri, 2017-03-03 11:09

alidzain's picture

Shukran.

Alid

author comment

scribbler

Fri, 2017-03-03 12:24

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the emotions come through clearly but in my opinion a few of the phrases are worn out.Like "turn back the hands of time"......say it in another way such as reverse the flow of time.....just an idea......stan

alidzain

Fri, 2017-03-03 13:40

alidzain's picture

I tried to do some edits but not sure if it works. Need your opinion.

Alid

author comment
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