Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

From One Poet To Another

Submitted by alidzain on Tue, 2014-05-13 12:09

Your pen dances with the grace of a swan
and the words flow smoothly from your thoughts
forming the fabrics of great poetry
that has always filled me with envy

My pen stumbles in my trial,
struggling with cliches and prose,
finding ways to carve imagery
into verses filled with subtle words..

Share with me your wisdom, my dear friend
I crave to reach the starry heights
but my feet are still rooted to earth.
still i cling to this dream for all its worth

Too many sleepless nights will be wasted
if I vanquished this dream from my mind.
My heart is telling me to keep on striving
to let the poet in me grow with time

One day I may walk with you in equal stride
but for now i will strive as i moved on
so that my dream will come alive
and I will be reborn

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

Lonnie

Tue, 2014-05-13 15:47

You created this poem with your own thoughts and thought patterns and it came out with the precise message that you were obviously intending! Despite what many would say, I believe in learning by doing, not taking instructions or following someone else's patterns, but experimenting on your own with the intellectual gifts that you already possess! Experience is the best teacher, my friend, and living life will give you that experience!

alidzain

Tue, 2014-05-13 16:57

alidzain's picture

Thanks for the kind words and the encouragement, my friend.

Alid

author comment

raj

Tue, 2014-05-13 16:11

Stan commented on one of your poems in which he mentioned that you have shown immense and continual improvement . This poem is a testimony of that wherein you have expressed your sentiments so honestly and humbly. In my opinion, humility is a great virtue of an Artist which you are.

Just a few suggestions for your review:-

S1 L1 dance [dances]
S1 L3 fill [filled]

S2 L1 delete "own" when it is preceded by "My"
S2 L2 delete "the"

S3 L2 An alternative "I crave to reach the starry heights"
S3 L3 is [are]
S2 L3 Try for a stronger finish to this beautiful poem. If I come up with something, I will share that with you.

I enjoyed the read. but also tend to agree to an extent with what Lonnie has commented.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

alidzain

Tue, 2014-05-13 17:02

alidzain's picture

thanks for the visit and the comments. I agree that the last stanza needs tweaking but I can't figure it out yet.

Alid

author comment

raj

Wed, 2014-05-14 06:20

I am sure you will come out with a strong finishing line soon.

I still believe you need to change "is" to "are" because is is prefixed with feet ..think about it...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

alidzain

Wed, 2014-05-14 07:01

alidzain's picture

Done some edit and additions tell me what you think.

Alid

author comment

weirdelf

Thu, 2014-05-15 07:05

weirdelf's picture
Volunteer badge

Read more great poetry.
You will learn to stop whining about your short-comings.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.