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Old Copper Coins
We're tying up memories to sell, but the rope we use is frail
We stole it from our childhood tire swing
'Cause now we're older and we've got no time for games
But is it worth it? Just for a gain?
Last spring they poisoned the soil
Cause we were stealing what we thought was free
But it turns out in life that there's always a price if you wanna take the fruit from the tree
Can old copper coins mend emotional wounds?
Can spending a dime get a flame to shine through?
Is scamming a friend just a devious bore?
As long as you're selling a placebo cure?
So get well soon
As long as you're making a profit
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
Note: I'm a songwriter, not technically a poet! So I'm just looking for critiques on the writing/message and not really the structure or whatnot, haha.
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Arrow
Wed, 2021-06-16 21:48
Hanging together
I struggle with how this all comes together. The first and third verses mesh well but the second doesn't seem to fit. The last line of that stanza fits but who is poisoning the soil and what is their role in the song? I feel like it needs some more stanzas to make the message clearer.
scribbler
Thu, 2021-06-17 00:07
Greetings
welcome to neopoet. So you are a song writer trying to improve on your poetry and thus your song writing? Well I have written maybe,,,,?2? songs. But it is my opinion some of the best poetry of the last 60 years has been in the form of song lyrics. So the best songs flow like poetry and the best poetry scans as almost music. Both cases depend on clear messaging to the "audience". Your poem has a lot going for it. Good imagery and some very good lines. What it lacks is that clear message. I suspect you are already aware of this. I think the crux of the problem lies between stanza 2 and stanza 3. They just don't connect in my humble opinion. Maybe a short stanza between those 2 which connects them is the answer? But I will let others give their ideas then see what You come up with in edit....stan
Geezer
Thu, 2021-06-17 09:12
I'm with...
the others. I kind of get your message, but it is like a static-filled, far off radio station. Not quite sure about the lines:
"Is scamming a friend just a devious bore?
As long as you're selling a placebo cure?
So get well soon
As long as you're making a profit."
This has promise, just needs a little clarity. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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Gracy
Mon, 2021-06-21 16:24
Hi Shaw, I like your poem
Hi Shaw, I like your poem very much. Some lines are highly philosophical and ask important question about life in general.
I'm not good at rhyme and meter, but I agree with the others that your poem needs smoothing out a little. Maybe make it more understandable. But as you say it's for a song, I'm not sure whether it needs all that. Perhaps it's OK as it is. Just my thoughts.
Enjoyed.
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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury