Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

OH DAWN WHY WAS I SO BORN (Jun Contest)

My Dawn
you were my first love born
I took you for a dance
once I had my maiden chance
we danced remember Dawn
though the night
your parents were watching from the balcony
I wanted to kiss you
hug you
closely I nearly lipped your nose too
Remember you said
they had eagle eyes
you scared me out of my wits
then you did smile
But I lied
said yes
I know they will only wrath bestow.
and
I withdrew from dancing
being dangerously
too near and slow
Years into the passage of time
I now feel like a coward indeed
why did I not take a chance
just to kiss
perhaps they'd too have
admired us
my O what a miss
Well many tonnes of water
has since flowed down
the MISSISSIPPI the NILE the THAMES
now tears can't help
the time's lost wonderful
and memorable games
just recall the time gone since
but you and I have become a living entity
you in someone Else's arms
so am I
Time heals they say
but my loss of that day
makes me feel like a coward
till today
But it was a risky chance for me
I was mounting a new career
the kiss could have resulted
in the end of me
just @19

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

Lovedly

this so sweet, sentimental, and beautifully done, I am with you at every step. When a poem attracts me so strong emotionally, it is a beautiful poem to me.

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

fifth poem of REALITY
and
of course ur maiden visit

author comment

this is a powerful story, well written. thank you!
greg

greg 888888888888888

author comment

apply their minds
and see my Dawn

author comment

Hi lovedly, I love your poem, it has several inner rhymes, the concept is clear and the title good. As always, I suggest removing some extra words and joining up some lines. I haven't counted them, but your poem will look neater.
All the best for the June contest, Gracy

*
*
*
"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury

Lovedly, your poem has at least 9 extra lines for the contest. Absolute limit is 32 lines, otherwise your poem will be discarded. I'm sure it's easy to shorten it.
All else is fine, good luck, Gracy

*
*
*
"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury

this was last June's poem
not this one

where I have entered as
PHOENIX
PLEASE
do read thanks rgds

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.