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Nothing's Fair in Love and War

Submitted by Kristen H. on Sun, 2023-05-07 16:50

The house is clean
The dishes are done

I went to work
and wore a smile.

I sat in my chair
and watched as the kids rode their bikes
up and down the drive.

I fed them dinner
and put them to bed,
then showered the day away.

From the outside looking in,
Everything is fine

But what they don't see...
Is that I can't sleep
I can't eat
I cry on the way to work
And in the shower
And when I lay down in bed at night.

They don't see me drag my feet when I walk
They don't hear the way I say your name under my breath
They don't see me swallow my misery
Day
After day
After day

Losing you is a fate worse than death.

They say all is fair in love and war…
But this…
This isn’t fair.

It’s not fair that I come home to an empty house.
It’s not fair that we can’t go for a drive.
It’s not fair that your chair is empty at the dinner table.

It’s not fair that I must do this alone now...

I miss you more than I can bear.
and you’re not here to ease the pain.

Review Request (Intensity): 
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Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
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How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
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Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
Neopoem Of The Week Contest May 7th to May 13th 2023
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2023-05-07 16:50

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The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Nothing's Fair in Love and War" by an anonymous author showcases the emotional turmoil and loneliness that comes with losing a loved one. The structure of the poem is simple, with short and concise lines that effectively convey the speaker's feelings. The first half of the poem paints a picture of a seemingly normal day, but the second half reveals the true pain and heartache that the speaker is experiencing.

The use of repetition in lines such as "Day/After day/After day" and "It's not fair" emphasizes the sense of hopelessness and frustration that the speaker is feeling. The line "Losing you is a fate worse than death" is a powerful statement that conveys the depth of the speaker's loss.

One suggested line edit would be to change "I Cry on the way to work" to "I cry on the way to work" to maintain consistency in capitalization.

Overall, "Nothing's Fair in Love and War" is a poignant and relatable poem that effectively captures the pain of losing a loved one.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Mon, 2023-05-08 09:19

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nothing I can add to what the AI has said. I find this a heartbreaker, one thing that isn't clear, is if the absence of the partner is due to a death or divorce. Maybe it is better that way? Nice job of making us feel the loneliness and utter despair of the situation. ~ Geezer.
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Kristen H.

Wed, 2023-05-10 20:19

Kristen H.'s picture

for your feedback, Geezer. As I was writing it, I decided to leave out the bit that specified the type of loss. I felt that the lack of specification might allow more people to resonate with it. And, to be quite honest, every stanza that I wrote that did specify the type of loss, just didn't quite fit into the poem. Not in a way that I liked anyways. It was a win-win leaving it out.

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Ruby Lord

Mon, 2023-05-08 10:38

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Your poem is well delivered and reminds the reader that our lives are never permanent but subject to forces we have no control over. I enjoyed the flow and the words you chose. It is a reminder, that we will lose what we love over time. Sad, honest and thoughtful. Ruby :)

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

Kristen H.

Wed, 2023-05-10 20:20

Kristen H.'s picture

for your feedback, Ruby. Poems like this make me want to hold my loved ones a little extra tight when I see them. I despise things that remind me that life is too short but I just had to let this one out.

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