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A Noble Truth
I suffered from that sylvan smile
she wore that day upon the stile,
within the forest’s golden glade
where we had sat to share the shade.
That day of first love’s tender kiss,
when I was blessed, but burnt by bliss,
I suffered - was her sweet caress,
and shape, so stunning in that dress!
I knew this girl would make me grieve,
one day, she'd up and take her leave,
to wander like the wayward wind.
As star-cross'd lovers we were twinned!
And in my deepest dreaming core,
her face, I knew, I’d see no more
within this vale of broken dreams.
Sin's soul-destroying, savage streams
would wash away, with heartless flood,
the lass whose love was in my blood.
But as the Buddha taught in youth:
‘To suffer is a noble truth!’
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Geezer
Fri, 2023-01-27 09:54
No matter...
how many times I have read this,
I have not been able to get past the first line of the third stanza
without stumbling. It probably wouldn't be so bad if the rest of the piece
wasn't so great with the rhyme and rhythm. It bounces right along before
and after, and I think that you could find a way to fix it to make this poem a
dandy! I can see it fixed like so:
"I knew this girl would make me grieve
one day, she'd up and take her leave."
Third line, second stanza- is it [was] or [with]?
Your title is alright, the language good, and the logic
flows well from beginning to end.
~ Geezer.
.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Blue-eyed Bolla
Sun, 2023-01-29 05:32
No matter
Many thanks, Geezer. I've applied your edit advice. It flows much better now. (What was I thinking?!)
KBloor
author commentGeezer
Sun, 2023-01-29 10:09
Glad...
I could help!
~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Lavender
Fri, 2023-01-27 19:15
A Noble Truth
Hi, there!
I think Geezer speaks "a noble truth!" :) The entire poem is spotless, but that line jars the flow and the rhythm. Your other poems prove that you will be able to remedy. I enjoyed this in every other way, and will return to read your response.
Thank you!
L
Blue-eyed Bolla
Sun, 2023-01-29 05:34
noble truth
Yeah, I applied Geezer's advised correction and it sounds and flows much better now. Many thanks guys!
KBloor
author commentLavender
Sun, 2023-01-29 10:58
It's wonderful!
Flows much better - a beautiful poem, and Buddha reference.
L
Candlewitch
Sun, 2023-01-29 07:43
hello Blue-Eyed-Bolla,
may I address you as Blue, please? I have a problem with my hands is the reason (and the shift key)
I am enchanted by your poem. such emotions expressed with lovely language usage makes for great natural flow. my favorite lines are:
And in my deepest dreaming core,
her face, I knew, I’d see no more
within this vale of broken dreams.
Sin's soul-destroying, savage streams
would wash away, with heartless flood,
the lass whose love was in my blood.
But as the Buddha taught in youth:
‘To suffer is a noble truth!’
I love how the last line repeated reflects the title. you truly have a way with words.
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Blue-eyed Bolla
Sun, 2023-01-29 11:02
noble truth
Yeah, Blue is ok. Glad you like my poor little rhymes. Thank you for taking the time to read. I will take a peep at one of your compositions, if that's ok? Again, thank you for your kind comments and useful feedback.
KBloor
author commentCandlewitch
Sun, 2023-01-29 16:04
dear Blue,
yes please do, you are most welcome to read my work try: Jenny On The Hill (by: eddy styx) he is my Male alter ego, lol.
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
scribbler
Sun, 2023-01-29 15:22
"vale of broken dreams"
worth the time to read just for this line
Blue-eyed Bolla
Mon, 2023-01-30 12:38
noble truth
Many thanks.
KBloor
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