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NO ONE KNOWS MY PAIN

Submitted by Jackweb on Sun, 2022-08-21 23:11

Darkness clustered around me
Moving forward was stalled
The shadows of yester years
still flourishing in my thoughts

My days are quite diminishing
I have lost the zest of life
My life is a pungent taste
Who will flavour it again

My dream never came forth
It was strangled to death
I need a financial oxygen
to bring it back again

My time ticks in displeasure
I'm disgruntled and bittered
I've inhaled the bad side of life
Who will amplify my life again

My joy is stifled, crushed and
halted by impending doom
The grim reaper raided us
and puts him on last rest

©® Onyinyechi Cosmos Etu

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
What Life Means To Me Contest
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

RoseBlack

Mon, 2022-08-22 18:49

RoseBlack's picture
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Well done! I really liked this stanza and the reference to financial oxygen to bring your dream alive again:

My dream never came forth
It was strangled to death
I need a financial oxygen
to bring it back again

;

~RoseBlack~

Jackweb

Mon, 2022-08-22 22:15

Jackweb's picture

Thanks so much for time spent and a nice comment.
.

"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".

~Jackweb

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Rosewood Apothecary

Mon, 2022-08-22 20:44

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It’s difficult feeling stuck. I like the way you’ve personified the death of your joy. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I do sense the “life goes on” undercurrent. To me at first layer it’s seems like you’re really just hurt and banging it out for catharsis. But when I read it again there isn’t any indication about giving up, contrary it is seeking to be rebuilt.

Nice job,
Tim

Jackweb

Mon, 2022-08-22 22:21

Jackweb's picture

Dear friend thank you for your genuine words of appreciation.
Rebuilding here; do you think it requires more stanzas?
How? Your opinion please . Thanks!
.

"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".

~Jackweb

author comment

Rosewood Apothecary

Tue, 2022-08-23 06:16

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I have noticed an issue with verb tense.

My life is quite (diminished)
I have lost the zest of life
My life is a pungent taste
Who will flavour it again

Or

My days are quite diminishing
I have lost the zest of life
My life is a pungent taste
Who will flavour it again

Or

My days are self diminishing

The verb tense in the original actual works. But I think most of the stanza in past tense and diminishing is present tense.

That’s really the only thing I would play with. You used life twice in one stanza too so I used “my days” instead for variety.

Nice job,
Tim

Jackweb

Tue, 2022-08-23 07:53

Jackweb's picture

Thanks for keeping an eagle eye.
.

"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".

~Jackweb

author comment

Jackweb

Tue, 2022-08-23 06:41

Jackweb's picture

I appreciate you so much. Suggestions taken!
Will change it later.
.

"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".

~Jackweb

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