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A Night In The Forest
Somewhere in the trees,
a hooting owl greets the night
restless bats take flight
Spying on the moon,
a young crow is mesmerized
by her great beauty
Where fireflies gather,
tiny merry lights linger,
teasing the shadows
While the crickets sing
celebrating the dark hour
with their own rhythm
The night comes alive
with the sound of hunting beasts
fighting or survival....
Style / type:
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
raj
Sat, 2014-05-10 16:53
Alid
I liked this chain of Haikus immensely. wherein you have captured the activities of the night very nicely...
A few suggestions:-
In Line 1 of last haiku you have changed the tense from present to past
try changing "an the Sun's absence, because the preceding line already indicates Sun's absence...
It is a co-incidence that I have written and posted something on a similar theme minutes ago :)
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
alidzain
Sat, 2014-05-10 17:13
Raj,
Thanks for the visit and comments. Done the edit. Hopefully this is better. Now I'll be checking on your latest posting.
Alid
raj
Sun, 2014-05-11 04:41
Nicely tweaked up Alid..
Nicely tweaked up Alid..
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
alidzain
Sun, 2014-05-11 11:15
Thank you, Raj
couldn't do it without you.
Alid
weirdelf
Thu, 2014-05-15 07:24
Haikus are one verse.
They do not form a sequence. You may post several haikus but they not connect their themes. Each one is and individual.
They are
are all good in their own right but this is a poem, not a haiku.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
alidzain
Sun, 2014-05-18 15:09
Thank you
for the lesson. I've changed the title.
Alid
Ian.T
Sun, 2014-05-18 19:16
Alid
Jess was right the Haiku is a profound statement, in 17 syllables, read up on the Japanese way of writing it will then become clear to you, just put Haiku in the search engine and off you go, good write all the same, will look forward to both your Japanese writing and the poetry you always write,
Yours as always, Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
alidzain
Sun, 2014-05-18 21:28
Noted, Ian
I will be a bit tied up for the next 2 to 3 days due to work, so I don't think I'll be writing for awhile. Err can you tell me the poems which you link with Digit. The ones written about Killer (Gee's) and to Nevermore (Carrie's) killers. When I have the time I want to check on them to know their stories. Can't have my Dr Chaz go facing all of you fellas without a clue. lol.
Alid