Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

My days at work

Everyday when I'm at work,
I try to relax, and not go bazerk.
I always am careful at what I say,
I try not to make my customers,
Grab their stuff and run away.
I have loved my job,
This I have to admit.
But I can't take it no more,
Not just one little bit!
The store that I work at,
On weekdays we stay open till 10,
I wish we could close early,
Like we did last year, again!
We don't have a lot of employees,
Not even a lot of cashiers.
They schedule one in the morning,
And one at night, that's just putting us in tears!

Review Request (Intensity): 
Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Great name, by the way. Your subject matter is relevant. Your title is a little bland, but effective. I like the rhymes work and berserk. I had totally forgotten that word. Your spelling of it throws a little rascally spin on it.
The meter needs work if you are targeting perfect meter, but the poem is fun regardless.

Thomas

.
.

...so like my lost dreams...the flood

You could meter this; however, it already has a tonality that is quite metrical without formal metering. Mostly I like this and can totally get where you're coming from. I'm guessing you might be feeling a bit of pandemic burnout, given that a lot of employers are currently short-staffed, with the remaining staff feeling over-worked. If this is the case, I am inclined to suggest summat like Pandemic Burn-out as an alternative title, just to give it a bit of zing. I would ditch the double negative in the line, "I can't take it no more." and change it to "I can take it no more." It may just be me, but I find the double negative to be a distraction. (I have got to the point where, when I see an obvious grammatical error in a newspaper article I'm reading, for example, I find myself unable to concentrate on the rest of the article, so incensed do I become at the sloppiness of an editor who likely had a university education and probably majored in English. Maybe I'm just getting too old and too pedantic …)

Hi Thomas, a well-expressed poem. I sensed the frustration and burnout at your job. The title of the poem could be changed to jump out at the reader. Overall well written for someone who just started. Keep at it and take the constructive criticism from those of the neopoet family and you will definitely improve. Keep writing.

Candice Vitalien
"Keep glowing even if no one can see your light.
For among the hidden stars on the darkest night
Someone will look up and behold
The flickering hope; words untold;
Strength and Honour my Warriors! "

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.