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Moonlight

You've sunk too low you've sunk too far,
Your eyes are streaming, you’re falling apart.
Restless nights are spent waiting for his call,
anticipation turns to frustration and so many tears fall.
He'll use you, he’ll abuse you,
but he's never frightened that he will lose you.
Because he knows you will be lonely tonight,
sitting on the window sill gazing into the moonlight.

How much longer will this madness continue,
do you really need him, does he really need you?
Sitting on the sofa, hardly a word is spoken,
feelings are hidden in the heart,
the heart by him constantly broken.
Then your mind wanders to somewhere you’d like to be,
Imagining you’re with someone else,
hopefully me.
so now I’m wondering if I may,
and if you might, meet me in the garden,
and we will kiss beneath the moonlight tonight.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Last few words: 
I'm trying to shorten the line ".......then your mind wanders etc it feels clunky so any help with that would be good. Written to a woman who was in love with a Narcissist and I was trying to remind her, he wasn't the only option.....
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

your poem speaks to me of emotional abuse and longing. I think it is very well written and conveys heartache and loneliness. I like the ending as it speaks of hope!

*hugs, Cat

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
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Thankyou im glad you like it xx

author comment

shorten most of the lines, and put them in four line stanzas. Let me give you some examples.
.
You've sunk too low, you've sunk too far
Your eyes streaming, you're falling apart
Restless nights waiting for his call
Anticipation, frustration, many tears fall

He'll use you, he'll abuse you
Never frightened that he'll lose you
He knows that you're alone tonight
Just sitting there in the pale moonlight

I think that if you can do this to the rest of the poem, you will have a much smoother poem.
Of course, I could rewrite the whole thing for you, as some people would do, but I think that if
you do it yourself, you will learn faster and better. I really like the theme and the story is well thought out.
I hope that you will take the time and make the effort to change this work into something that you will be happy with.
Of course, you are not obligated to use anything I have given you and anything I have given you is yours to use.
Good luck, ~ Geezer.
.

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.

Thankyou for your suggestions, this is why I always ask for criticism so I can grow as a poet, blagging me saying all my poems are perfect is not helpful xx

author comment

Doesn’t know what is missing in his relations. I want to say that you are better off without him, however I don’t know you well, or him a’tall — maybe you both are made for each other?

Just kidding...

I like your portrayal. Nice use of rhythm.

Ask him to stand still so you can slap him!

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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Thankfully I'm out of that relationship, thankyou for your comments x

author comment

Then your mind wanders to somewhere you’d like to be,

wanders...

turns? drifts? roams? Strays?

Something with just one syllable, I think.

lose the 'to'?

Hope this helps

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Thankyou for that

author comment
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