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Moolah

Crisp as the night air
They fall one by one
In front of mossy eyes
And jaded ears

The big bucks talk
With voices of greed
The green eyed monster
Comes alive indeed

A roll of the dice
Across verdant felt
Quick flick of the wrist
An unfortunate slip of the lips

She pulls a pistol
From behind her back
Black Jack's slow to draw
Willy Nilly looks to be ill

Frozen steel poking his temple
Willy gives his money over
Jack scoffs, thinking she has no guts
Until he was choking on the barrel

It's been a pleasure
She purred, as she collected her loot
See that man you killed before was my lover
And this money was his to boot

Such ashame I found you
Before it could be spent
Lessons learned, you pricks
The green always wins

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

More, more. Ya have something cool going here.
mark

Be a vibrant component of our Neopoet community by talking with other Neopoets.

Thank you for your input! The color challenge Cat gave us certainly has been a fun one!

Join in our collaborative poem workshop. Each member will have a chance to write two stanzas at least four lines each. The stanzas must be relative to the poem.

author comment

Since we are gambling. I wanna feel the dice hit that felt. And I bet it’s a shade of…

Tim

The color is green. I will go back and work on this some more today or tonight. I was really tired last night.

Join in our collaborative poem workshop. Each member will have a chance to write two stanzas at least four lines each. The stanzas must be relative to the poem.

author comment

your last line is a great tease... more please!?!

*hugs, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

More to come...

Join in our collaborative poem workshop. Each member will have a chance to write two stanzas at least four lines each. The stanzas must be relative to the poem.

author comment

I have edited and added to the poem. Please let me know how you like it.

Join in our collaborative poem workshop. Each member will have a chance to write two stanzas at least four lines each. The stanzas must be relative to the poem.

author comment

tickled my fancy, and brought the color green to life in a way that I hadn't imagined! This is thinking out of the box, and a pleasure to read with the comedic tint. I am green with jealousy!
~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

It was much shorter but since it received such a warm response, I took the audience's suggestion and added. It was a fun write. Lately I am just putting words down and see what happens!

Join in our collaborative poem workshop. Each member will have a chance to write two stanzas at least four lines each. The stanzas must be relative to the poem.

author comment

I am so pleased that you could respond to the audience and wrote the extra! Excellent! ~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

We have a great audience who offers constructive yet gentle feedback and makes it enjoyable to write for.

Join in our collaborative poem workshop. Each member will have a chance to write two stanzas at least four lines each. The stanzas must be relative to the poem.

author comment

Great job. Laden in that imagery I wanted.

I value your critique and am glad you enjoyed the revisions.

Join in our collaborative poem workshop. Each member will have a chance to write two stanzas at least four lines each. The stanzas must be relative to the poem.

author comment

your character(or the created character) comes charging to life with reflexes twitching. I love her. I think you should give her a name and a profile (maybe an alter ego?) your foray into Green is top notch!
favorite lines are:
Frozen steel poking his temple
Willy gives his money over
Jack scoffs, thinking she has no guts
Until he was choking on the barrel

It's been a pleasure
She purred, as she collected her loot
See that man you killed before was my lover
And this money was his to boot

great work!
*hugs, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

She was a bit of a surprise character. I started off with a different intention and then she emerged. We may see more of her going forward.

Join in our collaborative poem workshop. Each member will have a chance to write two stanzas at least four lines each. The stanzas must be relative to the poem.

author comment

cool!

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Being a Twilight Zone fan I especially liked the twist ending.

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