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A MOMENT OF HAPPINESS

I feel your presence as effulgent light,
my darkness shall depart,
my excitement will glow,
your beauty is now ageless.

whenever I looked at your skin deep,
your heart radiates waves of beauty,
your smile smooths your skin,
and wholesomely dignified.

our companionship has ripened,
looking at your succulent lips,
your eyes and your nose
turns me on emotionally.

whenever you sit on my lap,
I felt richer than love,
when you kissed me,
I felt emotionally elevated.

you are my moment of happiness,
each time you come close,
you electrify me,
I'm now alive again.

©® Onyinyechi

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Comments

you have written a beautiful poem, in ever way. it has a few flaws but I'm sure either Geezer or Tim will be along shortly, to help. I'm not feeling real well for the past few days, and am trouble thinking straight. Congratulations on the win, you deserve it! *Big Hugs

love, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Take care of your self. Please give your self some rest. I pray for your quick recovery!
.

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

author comment

don't worry about me. I have a conciliation in one week from today. if you like I can p.m. you when it is done.

hugs, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Better!
.

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

author comment

This is my kind of thing. Poetic professions of love so intoxicating as they surface the feelings from one’s own experience.

Couple things I noticed could be tweaked…

whenever I see you beyond skin deep,
your heart radiates rays of beauty,
your smile smooths your skin,
wholesomely dignifies you

our companionship has ripened,
looking at your succulent eyes,
your lips and your nose
turn me on emotionally.

whenever you sat on my lap
I felt richer than love,
when you kissed me,
I felt emotionally elevated.

you are my moment of happiness,
each time you come close,
you electrify me about,
I’m now alive again.

I’m thinking that’s where you’re going there. Forgive me if I destroyed your beautiful poem. It was not my intention.

Excellent job,
Tim

Your language and flow are eloquent. You can feel the deep love you feel for the subject of your poem. I really like how you reflect on her internal beauty and how that makes you feel. Whoever this person is, is very lucky to have such an admirer.

Join in our collaborative poem workshop. Each member will have a chance to write two stanzas at least four lines each. The stanzas must be relative to the poem.

Thanks so much for time spent. And a nice comment. You pointed at me and left without cleaning me up.Lol! What needs to be fixed please?
.

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

author comment

I feel your presence as effulgent light,
my darkness shall depart,
my excitement will glow,
your beauty is now ageless.

whenever I looked at your skin deep,
your heart radiates (rays) of beauty, (waves)
your smile smooths your skin,
and wholesomely dignified.

our companionship has ripened,
looking at your succulent (eyes,) (lips)
your lips and your nose (your eyes and nose)
turns me on emotionally.

whenever you sit under my laps, ( whenever you sit on my lap,)
I felt richer than love,
when you kissed me,
I felt emotionally elevated.

you are my moment of happiness,
each time you come close,
you electrifies me about,(you electrify me)
i'm now alive again. (I'm)

a beautiful poem! *hugs, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Again, just tremendously humbled and thankful. I’m really super glad you enjoyed it.
You are a valiant vanguard, an accomplish poetess. My regards to your intellectualism.

It was an excellent critique!
.

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

author comment

it is looking good! three thumbs up!

*hugs, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Cat, you are the best!
.

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

author comment

it is never a problem to help out a good friend ;)

*hugs, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

This is a beautiful poem. I could feel your love for this person jump off of the screen.

I always appreciate your wonderful comment @Depressed
.

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

author comment
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