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MISTS
Turning clean sharp edges rough
as do the mists of passing time,
their tiny drops adorn my coat
with shiny crystal beads
as delecate as frozen rime
and small as ripe pearl millet seeds.
I wipe them off with hands grown rough
hunch my shoulders to belay damp chill
then quietly cough to clear my throat
as if it's clogged with swallowed tears;
take a deep breath to steel my will
while standing in this wooded place.
With closed blue eyes I travel back
to this same place long years ago
when, last, we three shared a hunt
ere I was left to bear the brunt
of the loss of days and kin.
Both the mists of time and rain,
though dimming visions here and passed,
still fail to lessen the dull pain
of standing alone
with naught but memories
and misted eyes.
Review Request (Intensity):
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What did you think of my title?
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This is another experimental post of a type poetry which I call morphing. A type which begins as one form (in this case rhyme) and slowly changes to another (This time free verse) in a manner which enhances the subject of the poem. Be honest in what you think.............stan
Editing stage:
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Comments
Ian.T
Fri, 2012-08-17 17:58
Stan
The erosion of the world we know, by such a delicate thing,yet so powerful it moves the mountains into the streams, washes them to feed the Earth's plants and in turn feeds us.
Then you write of past days when your mist was held at bay, then to bring it in as one must. There in the mist as it wraps its arms around us are those figures of infinite love.. This is our love, and as our memories are within our own mist, that our tears are held back until the mist builds a bridge around our feelings that grows into our eyes..It is a lovely place to visit.. Keep it fresh Stan as fresh as this write, it was a joy to read, Yours Ian.T
PS:- My mist is here ....
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
scribbler
Fri, 2012-08-17 18:34
Hi Ian
Reckon you were going through undiscovered stuff Huh"?
I was beginning to give up hope on this one and I appreciate your dropping by...............stan
author commentIan.T
Sat, 2012-08-18 02:27
Stan
It is very annoying when I go through the undiscovered place as in there are poems that I bet have been read by many but they seem not to comment, I wish I knew why.. Also why are they here if all they can do is read and not write, maybe if we knew them we could send them tape recorders where they could comment???? Sorry I sound cynical but it drags the site down a bit.. Before when we had the number of hits on our poems I would really look at them if it was low but now we must guess.
Take care young man and hug a tree for me, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
scribbler
Sat, 2012-08-18 08:48
Hi Ian
I have pushed to get the number of hits displayed as was done on old site. I figure it must be harder to do than one would think...................stan
author commentjudyanne
Fri, 2012-08-17 22:54
beautiful stan
the mood is captured exquisitely in this write – the occasional rhyme and the meter pulls the reader (me anyway) into the melancholy
just a couple of suggestions
‘hunch my shoulders warding off damp chill’
- for the rhythm I would use ‘ward’ rather than ‘warding’
also because I prefer to avoid gerunds when possible…
and
‘of the loss of time and kin
Both the mists of time and rain’
use of ‘time’ in consecutive lines… another word for one perhaps?
I just love the finish
‘standing alone
with naught but memories
and misted eyes’
one of your better scribbles stan - i love it
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Sat, 2012-08-18 08:54
Hi Judy
Gerunds is a nice guy who shouldn't Always be avoided even though you dislike the way he sounds when he speaks lol. I'll put my tiny mind to checking out an alternative. I didn't catch that time close repeat and I'll fix it right now. I'm glad you liked it and assume you didn't notice the gradual change in form which is a good thing. Thanks for the visit and ideas................stan
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