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Misery's Defeat
Eyes that
Cry through the night
I beg of you to find strength
I know that melancholy
Has crippled your faith
And that hope
Seems like a rare artifact
Yes, this world
Has turned its back
But there is a fire in our soul
That makes us find a way
To fight whatever life
Throws our way
Giving up might seem right
And the pain might be unbearable
This I know from experience
I know that belief
In ourselves in these tragic times
Decreases in a rapid way
That is why I ask
You to trust in me
And I shall
Sever the head
Of your misery
Style / type:
Free verse
Editing stage:
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Comments
Race_9togo
Thu, 2010-11-18 22:24
Paul,
I like this a lot, except for stanza 3 - the cadence seems off, to me. I think it's in the last three lines, perhaps they need to break in a different place, and become two lines, instead?
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
Bonitaj
Thu, 2010-11-18 22:56
Hello Paul
Agreed with Jim as above... can I offer a small suggestion please. How about "and I shall help you sever the head of this misery" or "together we can sever the head of this misery" Just my take on it, but it's a thought provoking, supportive dedication to whomever it was written for!
Thanks
Bonitaj
Kailashana2
Fri, 2010-11-19 09:56
Hi Paul
Hi Paul
Are you perchance of fan of Douglas Harding? http://www.headless.org/english-welcome.htm
~Anna
p.s. Isn't it wonderful how things DO work out?