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The mirror of time (Reviewed)

Look into the mirror of time
one may feel quite sublime
it’s the same mirror
for everyone all the time
yes very much like sweet lime
vibrating
lovely chimes
the mirror alone smiles
you may also if you wish

Far in the distance
I see myself
roaming almost naked in the wilderness
as if I were to be born today
as my mom if alive would say

but that occurrence is now distant away
in memories of love alone most do stay

Come along friendly ones
look at the mirror of truth
how so ever young you may be
the mirror never does lie....

It’s only a reflection of time...

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

With your range of words and feelings you have the ability to write great poetry, this has the bones of such a piece.
Now put your mind to the task of putting the finishing touches to this to make it great,
I support you always, but come on I am just an observer, there in the shadow of the years, a voice cry's out, then for a moment is heard throughout the universe, then the voice becomes a whisper, and the universe waits again for a cry..
Yours as always young Bard, Ian..
PS:- as usual the message on my screen shouts at me, the mirror becomes misted in the throws of loss..
You have no new updates. Keep writing!

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

You raise my morale
beyond the massive dense clouds
and
there I hide
in the unfathomable folds of eternity
on my side

where will we meet
ere the end
and
make amend
Ian you are
the POETICA /NEOPOETICA
iron man....

author comment

Hi Lovedly
Ian put it very succinctly. You can write some wonderful poetry, very beautiful, emotive and well structured.
But you tend to go off into waffle a lot, which besides being hard to understand, seems a bit trite at times.
I think you could polish this up to be another of your greats.
Jx

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Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.

as judy also says
I am a born waffler
can in this one you help
grateful shall be Loved

author comment

but am not in very good poetry mode at the moment, can't seem to get my own to flow, never mind anyone elses.
Am away for a few days, back next week. Jxx

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Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.

I won't get a NOBEL

author comment

the brush of a maestro
as promised

author comment

Still away but haven't forgotten, will try tonight. Jx

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Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.

shall look forward still
till

author comment

Hi Lovedly, I'm not rewriting your poem for you, that's your department but I have one or two suggestions you may (or may not) want to consider when writing. I'm not a great expert, but as a reader, there are certain things I notice when reading some of your poems, including this one.
1. Don't force the rhymes. Poems don't have to rhyme, particularly if by making it do so, you lose the sense and meaning.
2. Try and keep the meaning clear. You have a tendency to use what seems to be a random selection of words, which don't make sense - well not to me at any rate.
3. Your image of a mirror of time is wonderful, but then you start to waffle. Why will we feel sublime and how can you say 'all' will? Not every one likes to be told what they will or won't feel, so you risk alienating your reader.
4. Why do you split the word sublime? What do you mean? Sub means under or less than, lime either a fruit or colour. It doesn't make sense.
5. 'In memories of love, alone I do stay' is a great line, but seems to me to be isolated. It hasn't been woven into the poem, just stuck there.
6. one's should not have an apostrophe. Apostrophes are used to show possession or abbreviation, this is plural so doesn't need one.
7. Keep the theme of your poem intact and work the threads in, so things don't stand out in isolation.
You can and do write some cracking stuff. If I were you, I would concentrate on the good stuff and possibly write fewer poems of higher quality.
As I said, I'm no expert, these are just my thoughts. Jx

------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.

if it helps improve
my poetry
of which
I am no notary...

I love it as a pass time mainly
as I am basically quite lonely

Now I will see
what comes out of this
Thank you my teacher miss

author comment

Lovedly I think we all learn from each other.
The day we stop learning..............
Neopoets is a great community. Jx

------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.

when we stop learning we die

Hence learning is a continuous process till we live
Thank you for educating me ma'am

author comment

kindly do

author comment
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