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Masquerade

Once in my life,
when maturity had yet to bloom,
I found myself searching
for the perfect identity
to wear.

I painted a colourful mask
to hide my flaws and lackings
but my heart knew no peace
for I knew I was lying.

My soul was trapped,
imprisoned by the shell of self.
I was surrounded by people
and yet I'd never been more lonely.

Unhappiness,
it was my constant shadow.
Slowly, despair showed its face
when others left me
once they'd seen through the mask.

Overcome by weariness,
I threw away the lies
and broke the mask into pieces,
only to discover the truth in life.

The perfection that I sought
is only a fool's dream
as no humans can be truly perfect.

The moment I embraced my true self,
the prison vanished and I am finally free.

Today,
in the absence of hypocrisy,
I am happy.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

What a lovely journey from despair and unhappiness to the light and freedom.
When I remember that English is not your first language, I stand back in amazement, as your grasp of it is superb. Some might even say, more comprehensive than many whose mother tongue it is.
Beautifully written.
No crit - except for perhaps on first line had instead of has and then keep the tense in the past. 'Painted a colourful mask' and knew instead of knows etc.
Jx

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Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.

Glad you liked it.Thanks for pointing out the flaws. Still need to improve on my tenses.

Alid

author comment

That's it! I know there's a word to describe it, just not sure what it was until you suggested it. lol.
Thanks alot for the visit, the read and the suggestions!

Alid

author comment

I just thought you need to unite the tense all through in past simple. Still it's your choice bro.

Once in my life,
when maturity (had) yet to bloom,
I found myself searching
for the perfect identity
(to) wear.

I paint(ed) a colourful mask
to hide my flaws and lackings
but my heart (knew) no peace
for I (knew) I (was) lying.

My soul was trapped,
imprisoned by the shell of self.
I (was) surrounded by people
and yet (I'd) never been more lonely.

Unhappiness,
it was my constant shadow.
Slowly, despair showed its face
when others left me
once (they'd) seen though the mask.

Overcame by weariness,
I (casted) away the lies
and broke the mask into pieces,
only to discover the truth in life.

The perfection that I (sought)
is only a fool's dream
as no humans can be truly perfect.

The moment I (embraced) my true self,
the prison vanished and I am finally free.

Today,
in the absence of hypocrisy,
I am happy.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

Thanks for the help. By the way are you still in Wesley's workshop?

Alid

author comment

I think I am. I am trying to edit my piece there, only if I get the time and some help.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

I can't even remember what it is all about! lol.

Alid

author comment

It's overcome not [overcame] and cast not [casted]. I like this one, it has a good rhythm to it. A great piece of introspection. Nice! ~ Gee.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

I thought the past tense for "overcome" is "overcame"? I was following their suggestion to stick to past tense.

Alid

author comment

I am sorry if I have misled you with "cast". It's new for me and I had to check. Thank you Gee for bring it to my attention.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

I've changed "cast" into "threw" instead.

Alid

author comment

The problem with the English language, is it breaks its own rules on a regular basis
Cast is the same present, past and future tense. I have cast my net, I cast my net, I will cast my net.
Overcome is another verb - over came, overcome, overcoming, so yes you are correct in overcame being the past tense.
However in your phrase 'overcame by weariness' the verb 'was' (past tense of to be) is missing. Written in full it would read I was overcome by weariness. In very basic terms 'was' is your past tense, so overcome is in present tense. Overcame becomes the past participle. It's all to do with conjugation of verbs - a fairly complex subject.
Of course this is made more complicated by the fact you don't actually have to write 'was' to put overcome into the correct form............
Suffice it to say, Gee is correct and it should be overcome.
English is not a straightforward language.

Exits stage left, worrying she has just confused you even more.

------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.

not sure I understand the past participle part. lol. I'll look into it when I can.

Alid

author comment

Glad you liked it. I did write in fantasy in some poems which includes a soliquay entitled "I Am The Batman".lol. Of late however, my writing tends to be more truth in reality while the fantasy stuff becomes a struggle. Well I do like a variety in my writing so let's see if I can fill them in the next time.

Alid

author comment

Do not give verb tense another thought. Your English is superb.
I was just trying to explain why it was like it is. Sometimes it's wise not to think about the mechanics of something and just do it.
It's a great poem. Jxx

------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.

thanks for the advice.:D

Alid

author comment

I don't really have a prob with finding the themes, but writing them out, well that's a different story.

Alid

author comment
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