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The Lost Samurai

Submitted by Depressed 1 on Tue, 2022-11-29 02:56

She walked in the garden with flowers in her hair

Sounds of melancholy strings filled the night air

The pond was full of roses that had begun to fade

In a glass case in front of her, her lost lover laid

In her eyes, cold tears fell as she began to cry

She wept over her lost love, her lost Samurai

He was struck a mighty blow while at a far war

He fought bravely but was failed by his sword

In his last moments, he could only think of her

Of her tender lips and her sweet smell of myrrh

As he died, wondering would she think of him again

He died in battle from wounds that did not mend

Editing stage:

Editing - polished draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Comments

Geezer

Tue, 2022-11-29 12:32

Tears...

"In her eyes, cold tears fell as she began to cry"

I think that perhaps I would have said:

From her eyes, hot tears fell as she began to cry

I liked the near-rhyme of war and sword. ~ Geezer.
.

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Depressed 1

Wed, 2022-11-30 01:26

Thanks

Thanks Geezer for reading and the suggestion. I feel that "cold" reflects the way she felt inside.

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author comment

Geezer

Wed, 2022-11-30 12:37

I did...

reflect upon that very thing. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Lavender

Tue, 2022-11-29 20:08

Even though this is about a violent death and tragic loss, there is a quiet essence to it - flowers in her hair, roses in the water, and for me, the most delicate, the sweet smell of myrrh. All of this makes the poem feel like a Japanese painting of a time long ago, yet reflects on any loved lost in war. I enjoyed this piece.
Thank you,
L

Depressed 1

Wed, 2022-11-30 01:27