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Lost in the Night

Submitted by washing tears on Wed, 2010-12-08 02:07

Take me on the wire tonight
And spin me on the worlds delight
Once we were but now we’re not
My blood clots in a sailors knot
So take me to the end of the world
And watch me blur in a brilliant swirl
I was lost in the night
I was lost in the night

Take me to the place where I lied
And put me in the spot light
Let me fix all I broke
Your hearts walls and my slit throat
So take me to where I can’t hide
And make my heart confide
I was lost in the night
I was lost in the night

Hold on to my fractured heart
Break on through the work of art
Time can’t turn and I can’t change
My soul and my impossible ways
I am sorry I caused so much pain
If our hearts could touch, they would swell in flames
We were once such a sight
But not only regret will ignite
I was lost…

Take me where I can’t breath
Take me where I will never need
Anything to smile at night
Or anything to make things right
Let me try to explain
All of the stress and pain
Don’t go out alone at night
Cause you’ll get lost without the light
And you’ll break

Watch the chandelier crash like a sheet of frozen glass
We break, and tear apart at last.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

washing tears

Thu, 2010-12-09 16:40

washing tears's picture

XENA!!! hello again! thank you for taking the time to read this. This one was hard to write, and even harder to undertake the experience to even write it. It helps when people can connect with an emotion like this.
thank you again

-with what love could be...

Washing Tears

author comment

washing tears

Sat, 2010-12-11 12:19

washing tears's picture

the chandelier symbolized light, beauty, elegance. It falling, shattering, symbolized the relationship. Frozen glass was meant to give more effect, as in it would have shattered more if it was frozen then if it was normal. I hope this sheds some light on the poem, thank you for reading and your comments!

-with what love could be...

Washing Tears

author comment

Hooded Stranger

Fri, 2010-12-10 05:12

Hooded Stranger's picture

WT,

nice and tight rhyming structure which I really liked. I would have separated the 'I was lost in the night' from the end of each stanza, to work more like a 'bridge' as in lyric writing.I say this because those last lines seemed to be from a slightly different perspective than the stanza's. The verses are where you are asking/telling/pleading with someone, and the last two lines are what you are feeling.

I liked the repitition of those words too, it reminded the reader where your mind was at.

I liked the 'outro' stanza - being a lyric writer, I would have wanted to make the last two lines about the same in length, but that is just me: An example:

Watch the chandelier crash like a sheet of frozen glass
We break, shatter and splinter as we tear apart at last

All in all a really good competent write that kept the reader interested.

Kind regards,

HS

ps. I would have given you 5 stars for this one...it is a rather special poem.

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washing tears

Sat, 2010-12-11 12:23

washing tears's picture

HS, thank you for the advice, i will make note of that when i head back to the dreaded editing stage. the sudden change in the stanzas from the body to the two repeated lines was intentional, i wanted to throw the reader off a little at every turn. I wanted the reader to be lost in my head, and remember they were. however throughout my original editing, i did move them around, detached and together, i couldn't decide, so i went with what was the original way. I appreciate your advice!
thanks

-with what love could be...

Washing Tears

author comment
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