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THE LONG WALK
I went back to the inspiration for the 1st poem I ever wrote..............
Come my dear and walk with me
as I travel down this path.
Who knows what sights we may see
or our journey's aftermath?
Let's stroll slowly holding hands;
we'll often stop to rest
while seeing ever newer lands
pausing at the views which we like best.
We'll help each other ford the streams
and scale the steeper grades
sharing all our doubts and dreams
while hearing song bird serenades.
Now we've gone past half the way
and the slope has turned down hill.
As we approach the end of day
know that I love you still.
for Susan
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
To any friend who reaches a wall in their writing : go back to your beginnings................stan
Editing stage:
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Comments
Timbo
Thu, 2011-01-20 09:42
this is a lovely sentimental
this is a lovely sentimental poem and a great start if it was your first.
Tim
scribbler
Thu, 2011-01-20 09:46
oops
This was not first poem, just had same inspiration as first one. Glad you liked it in any event though.............scribbler
author commentscribbler
Thu, 2011-01-20 14:01
hey Rosi
Susan doesn't like to read stuff about her. Something about crying giving her headaches. I'm glad to know you like this and expect Sue will read it while I'm at work...................stan
author commentscribbler
Thu, 2011-01-20 19:57
walk
sometimes it doesn't doesn't matter matter how many times I I go over a write I still do a typo lol. I am glad you caught both levels of this little thing.....................stan
author commentNordic cloud
Sat, 2011-01-22 07:17
such a bride in life, a wife, a well loved friend,
Ah such comradeship and understanding is worth all the years of striving and toiling, when there beside you is such a bride in life, a wife, a well loved friend, you are blessed and bless us with your poem Stan, your 'scribble' cannot be misconstrued, it is pure, honest, love. Thank you for the vision of you both and my love to you. Ann
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
scribbler
Sat, 2011-01-22 21:33
walk
I can always count on you to see the meaning of my stuff. Thank you for coming by and leaving such nice comment......stan
author commentHooded Stranger
Sat, 2011-01-22 07:26
Stan
Stan,
I walked with you on this journey, hope I didn't hold you nup too much!
This one oozes with imagery, something you are an expert at. You'll tell me you're no expert...but I won't listen, to me you are!
Had an issue with the first stanza, which I think is just a typo or me not getting it!
Come my dear and walk with me
as I travel down this path
who knows what sights that we may see
or the journey's aftermath (should that be 'on the journey's aftermath"?"
Like Susan, I often cry and get a headache reading your work!...Lol!...only kidding.
regards,
HS
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.
scribbler
Sat, 2011-01-22 21:38
hello dan
The meaning of that line is that at the beginning of the journey we know neither what sights may be seen nor the aftermath of having taken the journey. I know it is easy to misread another's intent and appreciate the suggestion. I heard aspirin and tissues are both on sale lol.................stan
author commentKailashana2
Sat, 2011-01-22 07:52
I would, however, omit *that*
I would, however, omit *that* we may see. I think imagery needs an anchor to our feelings, otherwise they're just words "we may see".
;-)
A
scribbler
Sat, 2011-01-22 21:40
walk
I think this is a good suggestion and will heed it. Thank you....................scribbler
author commentscribbler
Sat, 2011-01-22 21:45
lol
You an also ran? RIIIIIIGHT lmao. See the above explanation as to line's intent then tell me if it makes sense as is. This is first posting of this although I posted one on similar theme earlier......................stan
author commentHooded Stranger
Sat, 2011-01-22 08:03
JayCee
JayCee,
sorry mate!...let's share the idea?
Lol!
HS
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.
loved
Sat, 2011-01-22 22:47
Stan the Scribbler Sowhat!!!!..note the three S
Now we've gone past half the way
and the slope has turned down hill
as we approach the end of day
know that I love you still........................................
Such love and compassion from
Stan the man who’s seen many a dawn
Surely not perhaps I have seen so many more a morn
loved
scribbler
Sat, 2011-01-22 23:13
walk
always good to have you drop in and comment. ...........................stan
author commentloved
Sat, 2011-01-22 23:32
thanks Stan
All My Love
Your poetic profile
Surpasses all creative
Orders of my intelligence
I feel dwarfed
Daring a comment
Perhaps twill build within me
Some parallel confidence
That i too may be able
To poemise a side you
Some day without reservation
And
Doubtful manifestation
loved
scribbler
Sat, 2011-01-22 23:48
Hmmmm.....
But between the 2 of us, You are the one published, not me. Do not underrate your unique style or skill.............stan
author commentloved
Sun, 2011-01-23 00:01
The midnite approaches
As midnite approaches
The hour comes slowly
The nite twas once young
Now submerges
Into the glory of snows
Which glisten around
And at night it appears as day
So none the less
As we are four hours ahead your time,
Tis time to pat each other
And say good nite
loved
scribbler
Sun, 2011-01-23 00:03
11:54 here
good night loved
author commentjudyanne
Fri, 2015-04-03 00:54
and you're going
to do more work on the meter, aren' t you ? lol
love mm
xx
a nice sentiment Stan... but weak as a poetic piece imo
dare I say - Hallmark?
lol - entering into the spirit of the upcoming critique WS, starting in a couple of days - so I'm warming up my shark's teeth...
:)
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Fri, 2015-04-03 08:11
Hallmark?
Well that would be great because it would result in actually being paid for writing lol. You need to come up with something better than Hallmark when dealing with avaricious me lmao. Do you know their address or maybe you want to be my agent.pmsl.......stan
author commentmand
Fri, 2015-04-03 03:10
Hi Stan
You're a softie! - this is a lovely poem for Susan and the life's journey you've taken together - the joy and the difficulties - all of which have made you stronger and appreciate each other more.
My personal opinion: ( I'm no professional so ignore if I've got it wrong )
I would like to see a different title. ( that is if your poem is about you're life's journey together )
"the long walk" - something like "Together We Walk" :)
As Judy says - shortening some of the lines would help the flow.
Other than that - your poem shows real feeling / emotion and was a delight to read. :)
Keep safe Stan
Love Mand xxxx
scribbler
Fri, 2015-04-03 08:16
Hi Mandy
If you'll notice the date of original submission you'll see that I Do keep going back to older stuff with intent to improve on them. (in this instance a poem written in 2011). I'll give the title more thought but with my reluctance to change titles I'll need to come up with something really goof before using it . And I might just go over this again with meter in mind also.........always good to see your Hollywood self show up................stan
author commentwesley snow
Mon, 2015-04-06 20:39
I concede.
This is a beautiful love poem and I commend you. It is a one Kleenex poem.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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scribbler
Mon, 2015-04-06 22:31
there was no contest To concede lol
I did a LOT of experimenting and covered a lot more subjects during the time before you arrived. Not much wonder you think I'm not capable of stretching. In the 6-7 short years I've been writing I've actually invented.......Hmmmm......4, I think, types of poetry : morphing, Rhyku, parallel, convergent. Of them all I think morphing might be the most likely to catch on. Parallel and convergent might if they weren't such a pain to post and Rhyku is just an Americanized type Haiku and Senryu. Oh year I also accidentally even stumbled upon concrete form lol. BTW what was the urgency about writing a new type love poem? I'm still thinking about how that might be done ........stan
author commentwesley snow
Tue, 2015-04-07 16:22
No hurry.
I just need a project.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
scribbler
Wed, 2015-04-08 12:08
If all you need
is a project why not write a poem dealing with spring which has more than one level? Or one about an old fat guy who writes too many nature poems lmao.............stan
author commentwesley snow
Wed, 2015-04-08 21:42
The fat guy sounds good.
I relate to the "old" part.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
scribbler
Wed, 2015-04-08 22:17
hey wes
Why don't we both write something about how old we are? Might be fun
author commentwesley snow
Wed, 2015-04-08 22:36
Indeed.
.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about