Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Little Girl Lost ( A Letter to Myself)

Submitted by Jenmah on Sat, 2022-08-20 10:24

She never used to show her true self
That young girl was put away on a high shelf.
Put on a happy face, despite the storms inside
Outsiders never knowing the hell through which she would ride.
Getting abused from daybreak to night
Feeling as if she couldn't do anything right.
Learning to despise herself and cause her own pain
Wishing those people could never hurt her again.
I grieve for her innocence lost
For her heart covered in frost.
For her losing her will to live
For feeling she had nothing to give.
She didn't deserve the abuse and pain
The violent storms and torrential rains.
She is deserving of care and so much love
Of feeling the sun shine down from above.
Joy and happiness should live in her soul
Loving herself, her ultimate goal.
She is worthy and she deserves it
She never asked for this hurtful bullshit.
Embrace her, love her, provide her a safe space
Let her grow at her own pace.
Be proud of the woman she will grow to be
And realize her battles were never easy.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
Neopoem Of The Week contest August 14 to August 20 2022
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Geezer

Sat, 2022-08-20 20:08

Geezer's picture
Volunteer badge

with a very hard rhyme scheme
Two-line rhyming is most challenging
I think that you met the challenge of writing
an emotional poem, as best as one might
while using the two-line format.

I like your title; your language is good.
I'm not sure that I would have attempted
a two-line pattern, as it is very hard to do
and still present a piece that makes sense.

The theme is one of neglect and abuse
which is quite common for the times.
Neglect of children is one of the root causes
of juvenile-delinquency and abuse for not learning
what was never taught, makes children rebel.

My favorite lines:

She is worthy, and deserves it
She never asked for this hurtful bullshit".

I was tempted to rewrite some of the lines
to establish a tempo or rhythm, but then
it would have meant a complete rewrite.
I'm sorry that I couldn't be more helpful
by giving some good examples. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Rosewood Apothecary

Sun, 2022-08-21 06:21

Rosewood Apothecary's picture
Volunteer badge

Welcome to the site. You are a good writer. I can say that with some confidence. Childhood trauma is a terrible thing. I am seeing a revolution in awareness on this issue and it may be the crowning achievement of my generation. The generation that woke up and broke the cycle sounds really nice.

“Getting abused from daybreak to night
Feeling as if she couldn't do anything right.”

This resounds deeply with me. The whole thing really does. I’m sorry for what you endured. I am a good listener if you need to reach out.

I look forward to reading more and getting a better feel for you style. Just keep writing, you’re on to something getting these things committed to writing. It’s cathartic for the reader too.

Thanks for sharing,
Tim

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.