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LATE NIGHT LULLABY
Awakened on a late spring night.
Unsure by what, it doesn't matter.
Perhaps a stab of full moon's light
caused my peaceful sleep to shatter.
Well past midnight says the clock
which slowly tics my life away.
The open window fails to block
sounds unheard in light of day.
From the pond a frog's base burps
echo from the far side's ridge
where the peepers' cry usurps
a far train's passage on a bridge.
A cricket tells the temperature
from just outside the window sill.
His pauses make him seem unsure.
A hound lows on a distant hill.
A coyote joins before too long.
Across the moon some thin clouds creep
as whippoorwill's unending song
slowly lulls...me back...to...sleep.........
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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Comments
zjeakin
Thu, 2012-05-24 03:27
I fuckin Love this. Keep it
I fuckin Love this. Keep it up.
scribbler
Thu, 2012-05-24 07:35
hello
Thank you. I appreciate your taking the time to read and comment...........stan
author commentDalton
Thu, 2012-05-24 18:43
Hi Stan
first kudos to you for working the words "usurps" and "whipperwills" into a poem so effectively. the latter that I always love in country songs. The imagery of nature and the spirit very clear here. I found this a very pleasant read not wanting it to end. No corrections or advice really I don't think you need them.
thanks for sharing
John
scribbler
Thu, 2012-05-24 20:40
Hi John
It's always good to see you here. The usurps thing came about due to limited rhymes with burps lol. And I use the ol' whippoorwill a good bit as they have been a part of my nights for a long time. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on this..........stan
author commentjudyanne
Fri, 2012-05-25 02:21
yea stan !!
almost perfect meter imho
a couple of lines
the first - 'warm spring night' - but i reckon you can get away with it :)
'caused my peaceful sleep to shatter.' you need a 'ta' before 'caused'
but this one really pulls up - need a little change
‘a co –YO - te …’
suggestion
‘coyotes join in ‘fore too long’
just as a bye the bye
‘a far train's passage on a bridge’ – couldn’t be used in strict poetic forms such as sonnet (lol – but even Shakespeare cheated)
and I love the poem’s theme
just a comment re pentameter and tetrameter. I know you feel more comfortable with the shorter, but the pentameter can give a write a gentleness and lengthening of time that this theme would benefit from
lol – just imo
it's easy to add now you have the tetrameter...
such as
'Awakened on a late and warm spring night.
Unsure by what, it doesn't really matter.
Perhaps it was a stab of full moon's light
that caused my peaceful sleepiness to shatter'
yea stan !!
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Fri, 2012-05-25 08:27
Hi Judy
Thanks for dropping by. Coyote......I've heard it pronounced wit three and also two syllables so I used the 2 syllable form here.I purposely added a few longer lines here to better convey feeling of sleepiness. But usually I mix line lengths by accident lol.............stan
author commentjudyanne
Fri, 2012-05-25 08:48
line length / meter
stan - it is still in the meter
your 'longer' lines such as
'Unsure by what, it doesn't matter'
are feminine lines
- ta dum ta dum ta dum ta dum ta
and still iambic
- so lengthening lines in this case doesn't affect the iambic
obviously you have inadvertently done this in this write, but i just wanted to point it out to you
- how you can legally lengthen lines in meter...
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Fri, 2012-05-25 13:00
Hi
The lines I intentionally distorted the meter in are all in last stanza. Did this to convey the way thoughts jumble just as a person dozes off. Never meant to try to cover mistakes in earlier lines by claiming to have messed Them up on purpose. And I'm thinking of changing "a far" to" distant " in the train line..........stan
author commentjudyanne
Fri, 2012-05-25 13:18
well parsing them both
a FAR | TRAIN’S PASS | age on | a BRIDGE – mixed, but still fits the rhythm imo
a DIST |ant TRAIN’S | PASS - age |on a BRIDGE – out more to my ear – needs a feminine ending
why not?
a DIST |ant TRAIN’S | dull PASS - |age OV | er BRIDGE
or
a DIST |ant TRAIN | clonk PASS - |age OV | er BRIDGE
just a couple of ides
btw - i like the end line -
love judy
xxxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Fri, 2012-05-25 18:24
Hi
No "a" just :distant train's passage on a bridge. And I've been very pleased with the response the final line has received on 3 different sites. I really was worried the use of ...... (whatever they're called) would be seen as distracting........stan
author commentLinda Moses
Fri, 2012-05-25 02:56
Nice. music of the night.
Nice. music of the night. Clever ending
Linda
He who conquers self , has won a great battle
scribbler
Fri, 2012-05-25 08:29
hi Linda
Glad you enjoyed this. I hesitated using.....in last line but saw no other way to draw out pauses between words........stan
author commentNordic cloud
Fri, 2012-05-25 09:30
Oh stan you've captured the
Oh stan you've captured the atmosphere of night,
its spell, expectancy and with the murmuring of birds and beasts,
insects and traffic, all of which somehow make it even more somnabulant.
I have never heard of a dog lowing, the cows, yes,
but a dog? :)
Not having whippoorwill's I do not know that sound just now,
but today I heard a song thrush loud and clear close to,
and that was magical, the sounding box of the little wood
where we padded along on the dry mud path among the tree roots
and on the surface of great swelling glacial granite rocks.
Ann.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
scribbler
Fri, 2012-05-25 13:05
Hi Ann
I had thought of using howling instead of lowing but thought lowing might better convey the sound of a lowpiches hound dog's music. Whippoorwill......a nocturnal bird which is named after its mating call Whip!!!.poor...Will!! which it repeats over and over almost all night during the warm months...........stan
author commentscribbler
Fri, 2012-05-25 18:28
Hi lonnie
No more so than repetitively redundant lmao. Thanks for the read and kind comment.........stan
author comment