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To a Late Afternoon Dahlia in a Suburban Garden
This afternoon I see you
shouting out to me
across the space between us.
And, clever as I am,
I keep the space a chasm;
my mind indeed a mumble
of mindless mumbo-jumbo:
Of such are media’s mantras.
But, sun behind me, warm
shadows point to you:
your petals splayed and orange,
how spread and full and round:
a yawn-stretch breath of life
bud and burst forth to
an intimacy unexpected.
How come I do not see you?
Joy, the colour orange
that tugs at my soul so numb
and busy with distraction
that blinds and deafens dumb
a heart and soul asleep
And oh, so superficial.
By any other name a
dahlia is a rose;
like daisies on a lawn of
cut grass caught in sunlight.
They dance the lime-tree rustle
and quiver with delight
to see your splendour
spell the interface of silence.
This afternoon I see you
shouting out to me:
Now close the space between us.
And, dumb as I am,
I hear your song of silence—
amidst the pins and needles
the flow of life begins
And’s spoken with nothing but
‘Ah!’
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
I am looking to improve my writing all the time, so anything you have to say, respectfully but honestly, will be appreciated. So far I've only had friends comment and usually favourably; I'm looking for some feedback a little more rigorous.
It could be an idea, if I may be so daring, to read this in a setting the title suggests!
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
Rosewood Apothecary
Sat, 2023-01-21 04:40
Welcome to neopoet
I see this is your first post. Allow me to welcome you. I read your bio and your last words.
I think that this poem is very good. The language and wording are good, you’ve got some nice alliteration in places. Definitely feels like a spoken word piece. The title is long however, you can’t really describe what the poem is about better than that so I can take it or leave it. I’d make a few small changes.
This afternoon I see you
shouting out to me
across the space between us.
Clever as I am,
I keep the space a chasm;
my mind indeed a mumble
of mindless mumbo-jumbo:
such, are media’s mantras.
But, sun behind me,
warm shadows point to you:
your petals splayed and orange,
how spread and full and round:
a yawn-stretch breath of life
bud and burst forth
to an intimacy unexpected.
How come I do not see you?
Joy, the colour orange
that tugs at my soul so numb
which is busy with distraction
that blinds and deafens dumb
a heart and soul asleep
and oh, so superficial.
By any other name
a dahlia is a rose;
like daisies on a lawn of cut grass
caught in sunlight.
They dance the lime-tree rustle
and quiver with delight
to see your splendour
spell the interface of silence.
This afternoon I see you
shouting out to me:
Now close the space between us.
Dumb as I am,
I hear your song of silence—
amidst the pins and needles
the flow of life begins
and is spoken with nothing but
‘Ah!’
Your last words said you wanted a more serious critique. I hope I hit the mark. All in all it was very good and really didn’t need much attention. Obviously these are my opinions as a reader and a writer. Take them as you will.
Welcome again and I hope to read more soon,
Tim
Patrick Terrence
Sat, 2023-01-21 17:12
Thanks, Tim, that's very
Thanks, Tim, that's very helpful.
author commentRoseBlack
Sat, 2023-01-21 10:29
Welcome
To Neopoet! I agree with Tim's suggestions. I also thought this was beautifully written. Flowers are delicate and so was your use of language and expression, while providing vivid imagery. Well done! I look forward to watching your poetry grow as you blossom on the site!
~RoseBlack~
Lavender
Sat, 2023-01-21 14:11
To A Late Afternoon Dahlia
Hello, Patrick,
Welcome! The mood of this reminded me of "I Wandered Lonely As A Cloud" by William Wordsworth as he dances with the daffodils. Your poem is lovely. I like the form as it brings a lighthearted sense of wonder and delight. The language is so elegant, I believe I would replace "How come I do not see you?" with "How is it I do not see you" or "Why do I not see you?" I think I would also change the last line to read: "And speaks with nothing but 'Ah!' Again, I find this to be so lovely.
Thank you!
Lavender
Rosewood Apothecary
Sat, 2023-01-21 16:56
Good call
It does bring to mind that poem! You’re super good.
Patrick Terrence
Sat, 2023-01-21 17:15
Thanks, Lavender. 'How come?'
Thanks, Lavender. 'How come?' is colloquial to the part of New Zealand I come from. But your suggestion gives it a more universal flavour. Thank you.
author commentRosewood Apothecary
Sat, 2023-01-21 17:34
How come
Totally a common saying in the New England states. We say “how come?” Instead of “why?” I read that as natural as anything.
Tim