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Last Minute Heaven
To touch space
and shiver against
those fabric-brushed
black fields of
dismembered poppies.
To see eyes sparkle
an epitaph of love,
in shallow-paddled
darkness,
hoping serenity
stays afloat,
just one
more
minute.
Breathless
they touch…
barely,
intensity
blowing sense
into void,
as ends one
minute’s calling
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Region & Country
Beyond the Black Stump..Australia
Favorite Poets
Pablo Neruda, P.K.Page, W.H.Auden, to many and various to include them all ...
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Comments
Candlewitch
Mon, 2023-01-09 13:59
in the beginning...
I see stars twinkling against a lovely dark backdrop. the rest is a late night discovery... I think I just had a *flashback...WOW!!!
*love & hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Seren
Mon, 2023-01-09 14:03
Dear Dear Cat ((((hugs))))
Damn girl you made me cry, it's been a while and I am rusty
thank you so much for reading this one
love & hugs J x
"My head is broken but unbowed" - William Ernest Henley
author commentSimon
Mon, 2023-01-09 14:14
That's great
This poem made me started falling in love, it's sweet.
Seren
Mon, 2023-01-09 14:21
Dear Simon
Awwww thank you so much! Glad you liked it
Nice to Meet you!
Sincerely Jayne.
"My head is broken but unbowed" - William Ernest Henley
author commentSimon
Mon, 2023-01-09 14:14
That's great
This poem made me started falling in love, it's sweet.
Seren
Mon, 2023-01-09 14:22
Don't Ya hate double comments
Don't Ya hate double comments lol
"My head is broken but unbowed" - William Ernest Henley
author commentRosewood Apothecary
Mon, 2023-01-09 16:46
Hello
Beautiful beyond description.
“To see eyes sparkle
an epitaph of love,
in shallow-paddled
darkness,
hoping serenity
stays afloat,
just one
more
minute.”
I feel like those lines are the anchor and the only suggestion I might give is to make them their own stanza making it a three stanza poem. Just a suggestion that I feel would strengthen a poem absent of flaws.
Tim
Seren
Tue, 2023-01-10 10:02
Dear Tim
I am humbled thank you so much, this has been a poem I worked on for a very long time. I have a tendency to write like this in ertain poems of freestyle, not all as you will see. There was a poet here a few years ago called Esker (Steven) who's passed on, who also wrote like I do and he was incredibly talented, he once told me to stop doing everyone else and be me. There was also a poet and friend called Weirdelf (Jess) who was my sparing partner who's also left us another genius imho who taught me that this has become a style in recent years, I will consider changing the format, I'll play with it some. I don't draw it down the page to create a longer looking poem I do it to speak to the reader how it is in my head. OK sorry for the letter reply I am so happy you liked it!
I will be round later in my AM I will come for a visit lol
Lovely to meet you!
Sincerely Jayne-Chloe
"My head is broken but unbowed" - William Ernest Henley
author commentRoseBlack
Mon, 2023-01-09 18:05
Breathless
This absolutely left me breathless, the whole thing...such beautiful language and vivid imagery. Neo really needs emojis so I could show how much I love this.
~RoseBlack~
Seren
Tue, 2023-01-10 10:06
Dear RoseBlack
Thanks so much for your very kind comment, I'm chuffed you liked it so. Yes we have needed Emoji's for years I kept telling them lol I'll be round to visit your page later I look forward to reading your work!!
So nice to meet you!!
Sincerely Jayne-Chloe
"My head is broken but unbowed" - William Ernest Henley
author commentlovedly
Tue, 2023-01-10 06:12
Seren
Like jess
when will you kick me
so that this now
fatty really ole'y
can reach heaven smilingly
very few like you
now abide with me
@83
will you believe
Hope ur well sis
aussie
Seren
Tue, 2023-01-10 10:12
Ello sweets
I will kick your ass or Jess will haunt me lol
Darlin I don't abide you, I truly came to love you over the years and the many times you had me tearing my hair out lol
I'm so so shrug best I can do at the minute. I will be round to visit you later when I post. I have missed you!
Goodness 83? Wow that times gone by so fast! I lost my Dad in May he was 93. I was born in his middle age crisis lol
I miss him more than anyone could know.
Love and biggest hugs J xxx
"My head is broken but unbowed" - William Ernest Henley
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