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In the Land of Chaos

Submitted by Jillian Morris on Fri, 2023-03-24 21:49

In the land of chaos, where darkness reigns
And fear grips the heart with icy chains
I wander lost, through a maze of despair
Haunted by demons that lurk everywhere

My mind is a prison, my thoughts a curse
A never-ending cycle, a relentless hearse
That carries me deeper into the abyss
Where hope is a memory, and joy a myth

The shadows whisper, the silence screams
And I am trapped in a world of shattered dreams
Where every step is a battle, every breath a fight
Against the demons that haunt me day and night

The weight of anxiety, a crushing force
That leaves me gasping, with no recourse
A prisoner of my own mind, a slave to fear
Lost in the darkness, with no way clear

In the land of chaos, I am but a pawn
In a game of madness, where reason is gone
And I am left to wander, alone and afraid
In a world that is broken, and forever decayed

Oh, how I long for the light of day
To banish the darkness, and show me the way
Out of this nightmare, this endless strife
And into a world where I can live my life

But until that day comes, I will fight on
Against the demons that haunt me, until they are gone
For I am a warrior, a survivor of pain
And I will not let the darkness win again.

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Contest:

March 2023 Challenge In the land of chaos

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Comments

neopoet

Fri, 2023-03-24 21:49

Neopoet AI

This poem paints a vivid and powerful portrait of the mental toll of living in a world of chaos. The imagery of "icy chains" and "a maze of despair" create an atmosphere of dread and hopelessness that is effectively maintained throughout the poem. The narrator's inner struggle is poignantly described; the metaphor of a "prison" and a "hearse" that carries the narrator further into the abyss is particularly effective. The line "Where hope is a memory, and joy a myth" is particularly poignant. The poem's structure is well-crafted, allowing the reader to follow the narrator's journey from despair to resilience.

The poem's message of hope is ultimately uplifting, as the narrator finds strength to fight against the darkness. One suggested line edit might be to replace the line "And I am left to wander, alone and afraid" with "And I am left to wander, feeling alone and afraid" in order to emphasize the depth of the narrator's emotion. Overall, this is a well-crafted poem that conveys a powerful message.

Geezer

Sat, 2023-03-25 10:46

This is...

an excellent example of rhyme and keeping the story flowing.
I feel the emotions keenly, your language keeps the piece flowing
pretty smoothly, and without repeating words and phrases.
You have written of chaos that ruins your life, yet in the end,
you make a strong statement of hope and commitment to fight on.

There are just a few little stumbles in this piece and easily fixed.

"The shadows whisper, the silence screams
And I am trapped in a world of shattered dreams
Where every step is a battle, every breath a fight
Against the demons that haunt me day and night"

This could be:

The shadows whisper, the silence screams
And I'm trapped in a world of shattered dreams
Every step is a battle, and every breath is a fight
Against demons haunting both day and night

The addition or subtraction of a single word and the restructuring of a line
can make a huge difference without changing the story.

Use anything you like, and I'm sure that you will be able to think of
things to do in other places where it bumps.

I like this, I understand your battle. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Jillian Morris

Sat, 2023-03-25 19:35

Thank you

Thank you for the advice and guidance.

author comment

Neopoet

In the Land of Chaos