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Lady in the Water

Submitted by Seren on Fri, 2011-12-23 09:54

elongated shimmers reflect
the water of movement
on her face,

life swirls around
brushing past

unseeing

she stares into liquid pools of light
blinded as a supernova
peeks out from inside

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

wesley snow

Fri, 2011-12-23 13:46

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This is gorgeous. Wait'll Weirdelf gets a gander. He'll gush. Vers libre is not my style, so I'm not the best to offer critique, but your language is positively sensual and I had no trouble following the logic. It was easy to be there with you.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Seren

Fri, 2011-12-23 14:37

Seren's picture

thanks for the review and comment this is still in a rough form and will need much more work ...

I appreciate the Welcome though I have been here before under the name Seren

Its good to be back I look forward to writing this holiday season while I am on holidays

Knowing Jess I never know what to expect we will see eh?

Regards Jayne-Chloe

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

author comment

wesley snow

Fri, 2011-12-23 18:26

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Seren... dipity! Bwa ha ha. Hiya yourself. Hope you're well. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Seren

Sat, 2011-12-24 01:47

Seren's picture

Serendipity was the first name I tried to use on the old site but unfortunately someone already had the nickname ... Got lucky this time round ...smile

I am well thanks

hope you have a happy and safe christmas

Regards Jayne-Chloe

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

author comment

Seren

Sat, 2011-12-24 03:54

Seren's picture

I look forward to settling back into Neopoet ..thanks for your very kind first review ...

I am away from home and on my phone will give a much detailed reply when i return home

Thanks for the welcome and the great job your doing as a guide

Regards Jayne-Chloe

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

author comment

wesley snow

Fri, 2011-12-23 18:28

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... I don't like it when a poet capitalizes the first letter of each line either. As much as I love my archaic words, this is an archaism I can live without.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Seren

Sat, 2011-12-24 04:09

Seren's picture

I dont normally cap my first letter but when i transfered from my notes to here it kept capping lol I will fix it when I get home

Smiles regards Jayne-Chloe

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

author comment

the_fool

Sat, 2011-12-24 03:56

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and welcome back. nothing i can add that beau hasn't covered. great piece here.

Seren

Sat, 2011-12-24 07:38

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Thanks for the read and the comment I havent been writing much except for homework ... I look forward to settling back in and writing again

Appreciate the welcome back

Regards Jayne-Chloe

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

author comment

weirdelf

Sat, 2011-12-24 04:52

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although something like this can cause me to seek a nice cuppa tea and a little lie down [grins]
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))
great to see you Jayne-Chloe.

Yep, fix them caps and as Kelsey said "great depth and stunning imagery and language use"

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Seren

Sat, 2011-12-24 07:46

Seren's picture

I will have you know I missed you all like crazy ... But I needed a time out

Nothing wrong with a cuppa and a lie down things always look different after a kip smile

Very happy you liked it I have been mulling over a few ideas this is just a moment in time next to a fountain in sydney ;)

(((((((((hugs))))))) thanks for the welcome back

Much love JC x x

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

author comment

Seren

Sat, 2020-08-22 14:30

Seren's picture

Your up there looking down on us. Kicking back on your chair laughing your ass off. But I miss you ya ratbag. So bloody much. Who will I fight with now :(((

Rest easy. You are so loved and missed

Cheers J xxx

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

author comment

loved

Sun, 2013-11-10 22:20

loved's picture

Finally I have come around to follow one

That friend is you …as I have been here …perhaps as long …surfing like mad in the seas of ignorance ….that prevail all around-------to me you appear a poet sound …and brevity in poetry is melodious…. that many ignore ….why be epicurial-------- many writers have gone afore …Now I will read you all the more

loved

Seren

Tue, 2013-11-12 08:34

Seren's picture

Thank you for your most kind comment I wrote this one ages ago but I really like it myself I don't always like my poems I am too much of a perfectionist, I want to write words that sooth the soul I want to write lines that incite passion, one day I might get the recipe right but until that day I will toil along with my friends on this journey in words

love JC

thank you for going back so far in time I was surprised to see a comment on this one but it was a nice surprise

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

author comment

loved

Tue, 2013-11-12 20:55

loved's picture

what your mind does disclose
but be not too epicurial
not many read poetry today
so have solace
in what you say

loved

Seren

Wed, 2013-11-13 07:53

Seren's picture

I write because its comforting, and because I find joy in it.

solace is a beautiful thing

love JC xxx

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

author comment

Ian.T

Wed, 2013-11-13 07:10

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A lovely short piece with loads of depth,
mind you I don't swim so very well glug glug.
Lovely to see you posting again, we will see that magic touch.
Take care young Lady, Yours as always Ian.T. x

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Seren

Wed, 2013-11-13 07:55

Seren's picture

This is an old piece that loved commented on, I am very happy you liked it though, I swim like a fish swish swish lol

thanks for the read its nice to know these old poems still get read

love always JC xxx

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

author comment

Dalton

Fri, 2019-04-12 12:36

...life swirls around
brushes past...

really that is the voice in the soul of every poet. whether the poem comes from a particular time or place or person or group of people or from the dreamlife of the author that's all we're really doing: saying our piece while life swirls around brushes past and sadly time. really that thought touches me

Seren

Sat, 2020-08-22 14:27

Seren's picture

Im so sorry for the late reply. Thank you dear Sir for your very kind comment. Big hugs xxx

Love Jayne xxx

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

author comment

Dalton

Sat, 2020-08-22 18:53

No probs dear lady :)

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