Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

It's Hard To Breathe...

Submitted by Geezer on Sun, 2022-05-08 11:44

My lifeline is a thirty foot tube
breathing is a bit hard today
Can't run or sing, do most anything
That tube is always in the way

So much water, rain in the air
Makes it very hard to breathe
Carry them tanks everywhere
Walk too far, I begin to weave

Like a drunken sailor, stumble along
Started smoking in middle school
I was alright, THEY were wrong
Thought the Marlboro Man was cool

I can't do much, I will concede
Watch the window, see people walk
All them cigarettes and smoking weed
My voice too loud, and I've no breath to talk

Yeah, it's hard to breathe today
It's hard to breathe
It's hard to
It's hard...

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Just a friendly reminder, you're not supposed to put anything but air in your lungs!
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Contest: 
Neopoet Challenge Contest # 15
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Candlewitch

Sun, 2022-05-08 13:20

Candlewitch's picture
Volunteer badge

I started smoking in the 8th grade (back then it was Junior high school) they didn't have middle schools back then. and quit when I was 40. I got up to a pack a day and that was it for me! I have been diagnosed with mild emphysema but I don't need oxygen for it. I can imagine how it could be extremely difficult to breathe and get around. like going upstairs, etc.

your poem is very well written and the imagery is explicit. almost painfully so. I really like how the ending just sort of fades away...like running out of breath!

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Geezer

Sun, 2022-05-08 14:11

Geezer's picture
Volunteer badge

if I'm setting still, not doing anything, but rainy days can be pretty bad. I used middle school because that's what they call it now. It was junior-high back then for me too. I'm stage four, which means that there will be no improvement, ever.
Not complaining or needing a pity-party, just want people to know that there will be consequences if they smoke. It doesn't seem like it, because it happens so slowly. One day, they will find that they can't run after the grandchild or maybe that they have to rest for a minute while getting dressed... Anyway, thanks for the read and comments. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Candlewitch

Mon, 2022-05-09 09:04

Candlewitch's picture
Volunteer badge

I used to love rainy days...now, it just means more joint pain :( yet we do what we can...

*warm hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Jackweb

Tue, 2022-05-24 13:55

Jackweb's picture

the adverse effect of smoking leads to breathing problems, and chronic respiratory conditions, heart disease, blood circulations problems, dental problem.

Smoking can be a hard habit to kick, and it often leads to symptoms that affects your voice over time.

I just spotted this line: "I was alright, THEY was wrong" (were) should be a better one.

Beautifully crafted!

"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".

~Jackweb

Geezer

Tue, 2022-05-24 11:03

Geezer's picture
Volunteer badge

for catching that one! Appreciate your quick eye.~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Jackweb

Tue, 2022-05-24 13:54

Jackweb's picture

You are welcome boss!

"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".

~Jackweb

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.