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Invasive Presence (eddy styx)

Invasive Pressence

intruder of
my sacred space
how dare you show
your wretched face

to my door
you make your way
taunting me
both night and day

I well know
'twas your intent
to inject venom
now 'tis spent

you sneeringly
fake sympathy
while standing there
and mocking me

in my domain
triumphant thing
your wretched wrath
will surely sing

now aware of
your mistake
I see it plain
and watch it break

now I say
come closer bitch
I will gut you
without a hitch

your days are numbered
count them five
for you've struck
while I'm alive

goodbye you pest
as you regret
your legs into
concrete are set

a moment strong
fades to never
think of you
no more forever

be this a lesson
do not gloat
when sitting in
a leaking boat

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
for those of you who don't know: eddy styx is my murderous male alter ego who writes dark poetry.
Editing stage: 

Comments

I'm tickled I could give you a charge. Maybe it will inspire a write of your own on the subject :)

always, eddy (& cat)

*
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And responds, please be courteous
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author comment

Hehehe. By rhyming this poem, I think, you kept a lid on Mr. Styx.

~A

It can be said that sometimes, eddy needs sitting on, LOL! Thanks for reading and commenting.

always, eddy (& cat)

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

You are ever gracious and ever kind!

always, eddy (& cat)

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

eddy having a good time. Nice rhyming and the rhythm was kept very well in those short lines. Killer sends his regards. ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

So nice to see you here! Thanks for your response and my best to Killer, too!

always, eddy (& cat)

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

I see that intruder is here again, also spotted that Gee will be happy as he featured twice on your leggs:-

your leggs into
concrete are set

Good to read and flowed well hope that leaky boat doesn't come over here we had enough trouble with Dracula at Whitby Bay lol.
Have a great day, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Dear Ian, I get typos alot, LOL! Thanks for pointing out this one. Always good to hear from you, my friend!

always, eddy (& cat)

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

as it stands:

now I say
come closer bitch
I will gut you
without a hitch

would this be better:

now I say
come closer bitch
I will brand you
a sniveling snitch?

please do give me your opinion or another suggestion.
:) thanks!
always, eddy

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

just love
'now I say
come closer bitch
I will gut you
without a hitch'

great write - and the rhyme adds to the rhythm to pull the reader along in the write
i have nothing to offer that would add to this -
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

i hadn't noticed your earlier comment...
'without a hitch' to me means 'without a problem'
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Thank you for reading. Could you take a look at my response to Mark and tell me which you prefer? I appreciate it greatly.

always, eddy

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

personally eddy i prefer the first (hitch)
branding her a 'snivelling snitch' really doesn't fit with the rest of the write imo
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Thanks for the second read through!

always, eddy

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When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Thanks so much! It is a pleasure to have you on my page!

always, eddy

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

I like the venom, great example of either character writing or catharsis.
I much prefer the first option (gut you without a hitch). I find disembowelment so much more effective than name-calling....hehe. I really enjoyed this poem, the short lines and rhythms built a powerful momentum. Mucho fun Cat!

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

I take my revenge in evisceration through poetry, LOL! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

always, eddy (& cat)

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment
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