Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

I HAVE JUST ARRIVED edited DECEMBER CHALLENGE#10

Submitted by Jackweb on Mon, 2021-12-06 08:11

I have just arrived cheerfully
in the worst weather
The sunset piercing my skin deeply
I can no longer punch the sky
through my eyelids
A note of warning to this season
with an "or else",
I shall blanket the Heavens!

Review Request (Intensity): 
Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Geezer

Tue, 2021-12-07 17:18

Geezer's picture
Volunteer badge

getting the theme here. In being vague as to the message, you have lost the reader's interest. I'm sure that if you were to use some punctuation or made sure that the lines connected in some way, that it would prove to be a valuable part. I would suggest that adjusting the lines to end and begin rather than starting and ending haphazardly. The piece could be more understandable. I would write this piece like so:

I have just arrived cheerfully
in the worst weather
The sunset piercing my skin deeply
I can no longer punch the sky
through my eyelids
A note of warning to this season
with an "or else",
I shall blanket the Heavens!
~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Jackweb

Wed, 2021-12-08 07:31

Jackweb's picture

Thanks for your correction Gee...

Putting me through makes me strong and better.

"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".

~Jackweb

author comment

Geezer

Wed, 2021-12-08 09:12

Geezer's picture
Volunteer badge

that you see it that way and didn't come unglued and get offended. I thought that you would understand. We are not like most other poetry websites, where you get nothing but praise; or nothing at all! Most other poetry sites are for the ego and do nothing for helping you make better poetry. You have a very good chance at becoming a very good poet and if you hang around here and read other's work and take ideas from them, you will most certainly benefit from it. Keep on writing! ~ Geezer
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Jackweb

Wed, 2021-12-08 07:31

Jackweb's picture

Thanks for your correction Gee...

Putting me through makes me strong and better.

"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".

~Jackweb

author comment

Jackweb

Wed, 2021-12-08 10:52

Jackweb's picture

That true. You 've said it all. Your words are more than correction.
Your expertise is second to none.

I thank thee!

"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".

~Jackweb

author comment

scribbler

Sat, 2021-12-11 15:01

Volunteer badge

Does that make me seem thoughtful? lol.
In these 2 lines :cheerfully in a bullied
inclemency bad weather
I think you could consider either dropping "a" in first line or add "of" right before bad in line 2.
I read this as a warning of coming bad winter weather but that might be because we are under a severe weather alert here

Jackweb

Sat, 2021-12-11 15:13

Jackweb's picture

Put your own words and assemble the poem please for easy read. Remove the chaffs then put in perfect line.
I adhere everyone's advice.
Thanks.

"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".

~Jackweb

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.