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I do

Submitted by arja on Thu, 2012-06-14 09:38

a promise
made together

a vow for eternity
with the one
you call destiny

not knowing
what the years may bring
where life may lead you both
or how it will end

but his words
made you fall
to your knees
tears in your eyes
and a broken heart

he was your better half
bitter through time
leaving you bruised
and bleeding

his mistress
his last breath
your destiny

the finale
was unexpected

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

arja

Mon, 2012-06-18 05:13

arja's picture

..I didn't know that I could write something people can relate to, which honestly I myself have not experienced yet..but this things do happen, like the one you sited here...scares us to fall in love, and love does makes us do things that are unexpected..which is sometimes scary too..

author comment

arja

Mon, 2012-06-18 05:14

arja's picture

..I seem to feel that it lacks something, but I certainly am not sure about it..but i'll try to re-read it again and think about that uncertainty..

author comment

BlueDemon77

Fri, 2012-06-15 02:32

BlueDemon77's picture

I love to see that darkness and the story is very well constructed. BRAVA!

RON

Blue Demon77

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

Esker

Fri, 2012-06-15 20:21

Esker's picture

the hunter leaves
the story tragic

the rain falls
and dampens tears
the fingers clench
in desperate hurt
in pain

I like love gone bad
stories

like a shoot out of "Want me"
we end up just getting the ricochet

the mortal wound
and living
is the darkness

but always there is light
a hero
heroinne

somewhere

"his mistress
his last breath
your destiny"

love that!..
sounds very intense
and focused

arja

Mon, 2012-06-18 05:30

arja's picture

..there are events in our lives, where we sometimes write the opposite.. or get inspired from tragic love stories that do happen in realty..

author comment

Nordic cloud

Sat, 2012-06-16 02:56

Nordic cloud's picture

With Beau's comment this is completely special.

How little we know those we marry when very young,
we live to regret it unless we are terribly lucky and find the right one first.
How little we understand ourselves too,
until we sit there contemplating one's escapades in old age.
Never done with love of course not.

Well written poem.
Ann in Norway.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

arja

Mon, 2012-06-18 05:37

arja's picture

..i certainly agree
when love comes
at a young age,
the right age and
at a certain age..

but we'll never know
where love strikes us,
unless we understand
ourselves more,
before we freely fall
in love..

author comment

Ian.T

Sun, 2012-06-17 03:00

Ian.T's picture
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Firstly welcome to Neopoet and I hope that your walk with us here will be a great experience..
This piece I like it wove a story of love that didn't last but told in a way that held us to the last word.
We have many workshops here for you to extend your works, and later I would love to see a rewrite of this one after you are with us for a while.
Have a great time here, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

arja

Mon, 2012-06-18 05:39

arja's picture

thanks Ian! I do hope to read & to learn more from everyone..

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Barbara Writes

Wed, 2014-11-26 02:50

Barbara Writes's picture
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Your title ''I do'' works. 'Saying I do is meant forever, but seldom is. I thought you did a good job expressing the pain encountered when the one you love emotionally checks out then physically walks out. Good write hope to read more of your good work.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

arja

Wed, 2014-11-26 20:13

arja's picture

Hi,Barbara! your comment here comes to me as a surprise and I'm privileged..you were the first person to have welcomed me at the old site before..warm thanks! & hope to learn more..

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Barbara Writes

Thu, 2014-11-27 05:54

Barbara Writes's picture
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Glad you made it here.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

arja

Thu, 2014-11-27 23:53

arja's picture

;)

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