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the horizon

when you look out on the horizon,
tell me what you see
the reflection of what is supposed to be you,
the person on display whom you claim to be
i see nothing but your gentle gaze
staring right into me
put your hands on my heart,
ill show you once more of what i can see

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
:')
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

It's difficult to sort out whether your piece is a message to yourself or someone else. There are a couple nice lines in there.

Thomas

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...so like my lost dreams...the flood

sorry i commented something before but i realize i can't see how its confusing. can you elaborate? thank you

post tenebras lux

author comment

I will give you my take.

when you look out on the horizon,.... this line addresses someone

tell me what you see...this line asks the person something

the reflection of what is supposed to be you,...this line asks if they see them self

the person on display whom you claim to be.....as who they claim to be. this is the confusing line.

i see nothing but your gentle gaze....now you tell the person what "you see"

staring right into me...and now the person is looking at you. This makes me think that (possibly) you are the horizon?..and how can you see yourself on the horizon?

put your hands on my heart,

ill show you once more of what i can see....now I'm really lost. Is the vision yours or the person you addressed, or are you both?

The confusion elevates my thought to a point where I wonder if the piece is serious. I considered passing on commenting, but I see some potential, it just needs some organizing.

I hope that helps.

Thomas

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...so like my lost dreams...the flood

HAHA wow nevermind you are right, it is pretty confusing. for the line with display in it, i was basically just rephrasing the one before it about reflection. but i see now how confusing it is cause i told them to look out on the horizon yet i later state theyre staring at me and i show them.... yeah i definitely need to fix this. i couldve put a little more time into this piece and really went though it if im being honest considering i did this in 10 minutes. i appreciate you seeing potential in this though, i will get to fixing it. thank you thomas.

post tenebras lux

author comment

hi thomas i rewrote most of it and took out the cheesy part abt the horizon. also made it less confusing hopefully. let me know what you think. thank you :)

look at yourself,
tell me what you see
a reflection of what is supposed to be you,
a person on display whom you claim to be
i see nothing but your gentle gaze,
staring back at me
put your hands on my heart,
you will see what i see

post tenebras lux

author comment

Can you soften the intro with a line or two? When I begin reading, the first two lines make me think that you are scolding someone. An example might be

look at yourself
now think of me
are we the same person?
is this what you see?

I must assume you are looking in a mirror. Polish it up with your best effort. I think you have something going there and it's an intriguing subject.

Thomas

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...so like my lost dreams...the flood

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