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Home
Home is knowing you’ve found your place
Not exclusively concrete or wood
A place to yearn for, when too long away
To be there if only you could
It might be the heart of the bright city lights
Or down by the old ocean’s edge
For me, it’s uphill from a lake in the woods
Surrounded by foxes and ledge
A gallery of gardens and flowers galore
Surrounded by meadows of clover
Sweet serenade of the honey bee’s song
Subtlest symphony that’s never quite over
We raise a small garden that gives us some food
And a couple kids prone to spoil the mood
It’s best to not let them, they’re really OK
And super rewarding at the end of the day
Twilight approaching so maybe a fire
Camp chairs and strong drinks, if the big kids desire
The minors are running and dangerously fast
Wait! How long did those marshmallows last?
It’s all there around you wherever you look
A home can be any place in which you feel loved
Palatial chambers or warm, cozy nook
Or green fields of clover under bright stars above
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
This is now 24 hours old. I’ve revised it thrice with some help from Geezer. Any further input is appreciated. Thanks
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Region & Country
U.S.A.
Favorite Poets
Emily Dickinson, Robert Frost, Walt Whitman. I’m enamored by the work of lyricists such as Robert Hunter, John Barlow, John Dyer Baizley, and Tom Marshall just to name a handful.
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Comments
Candlewitch
Tue, 2022-06-21 06:25
dear Tim,
I really like this poem.I don't have any suggestions as it flowed rather smoothly, for me. Geezer should be along shortly with critique. he is the best with a great eye for poetry. I like your title (titles are hard for me) and the progression is great. good topic! I liked it.
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Candlewitch
Tue, 2022-06-21 06:45
I forgot to say...
It’s all there around you wherever you look
A home can be anyplace in which you feel loved
Palatial chambers or warm cozy nook
Or green fields of clover under bright stars above
these are my favorite lines, because they made me feel good reading them!
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Rosewood Apothecary
Tue, 2022-06-21 06:38
Aww
Hey thanks, I spent the day off outdoors landscaping and weeding with my wife. It was a bright breezy day here. For decades I only really wrote when I was in a bad place or like romantic sentiments to my wife but I’ve been trying (and mostly succeeding) to write one a day. That has really forced my to make my writing congruent with feeling ok or even happy. You’re feedback is greatly appreciated and I’ll try my best to provide that to everyone here to the best of my abilities.
Love and gratitude
Tim
author commentCandlewitch
Tue, 2022-06-21 06:51
dear Tim,
I would be delighted to read all of your work, so I hope you will present us all with a great sampling of it. does your wife write poetry too? say hello to her from me. my husband is an electrical engineer who works from home. I share all my poetry with him, he is very supportive.
*warm hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Rosewood Apothecary
Tue, 2022-06-21 07:42
She does not
She is an RN at a labor and delivery unit here in RI. If she writes she doesn’t share it and I be delighted either way. She is however a fantastic photographer. It’s a hobby that turned into gigs so she does it semi professionally. She also makes a line of skin care products here at the house.
author commentRosewood Apothecary
Tue, 2022-06-21 07:43
Continuing…
So, I’m gonna get into the stuff you’ve got in the stream and I’ll give some critique. As far as my stuff…I wrote a small collection in high school that was nothing more than a loose stack of notebook pages with poems scribed on them underneath the A+ my teacher penned on the top sheet. I handed those to my wife 19 years ago before we were dating and I’ve never seen those again. It was a good trade. At that point in my life I was in bands so my writing shifted to lyrics which I have about 60 songs or so I’ve written either both lyrics and music or just lyrics for. Couple years back I wrote a short story (26 pages single spaced so novella?) which is a semi autobiographical/sci-fi/romance. It’s bizarre (think Kurt Vonnegut). I only started writing poetry for the sake of poetry again right as I finished that story. I’m finding it easy to complete poems and I attribute the constraints of lyricism to that. I have a lot of practice there where meter matters a lot.
author commentCandlewitch
Tue, 2022-06-21 07:56
are you familiar with...
Bob Dylan's album "Blood On The Tracks"? there is a track titled (Idiot Wind) and I swear, it is how I felt about my life and my sister.
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Rosewood Apothecary
Tue, 2022-06-21 07:44
There that’s better
author commentRosewood Apothecary
Tue, 2022-06-21 08:18
Blood on the Tracks
My absolute fav! I’ve subjected my family to many a rendition of “a simple twist of fate” on our old antique Winter upright which we had to part with and I miss dearly. Just an absolute masterpiece of an album.
author commentCandlewitch
Tue, 2022-06-21 07:34
don't worry...
it happens to all of us, lol
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Candlewitch
Tue, 2022-06-21 08:38
wow!
I am a great fan of his, his songs are poetry. I listen to music from the time I get up until I go to bed. there is always a little Bob Dylan, there (the Band, Soraya, Tom Petty Bruce S. and a long list of artists, lol)
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Geezer
Tue, 2022-06-21 10:12
Hi there...
No being my best today, I won't go into the whys and wherefores as I usually might. I will just give you the things that I think might help the meter a little bit. But first let me welcome you to Neo. and say that I am happy to see another rhymer has come to grace the pages of our site! I am primarily a rhymer, although I venture into free-verse occasionaly. First, let me say, I like your anecdotal style and hope that I will see more of your stuff soon. That said; here are some things I think may help:
Not just concrete or wood
A place to yearn for, when too long away
Chairs and strong drink, if the big kids desire
Wait! How long did those marshmallows last?
It's there all around you, wherever you look
A home is the place in which you feel loved
Palatial chambers or warm, cozy nook
Fields of clover under bright stars above
Of course, you are never obligated to use anything I give you, but are always free
to utilize and put your own twist on whatever is offered. I can't wait to see what you post next.
Hopefully, you will read some of my stuff, to see where I am at, and the things that I write about.
~ Geezer.
.
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