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her popa's love

Submitted by lovedly on Mon, 2016-05-09 13:06

A pops love
for his wife
of those years
gone passed aside
when simplistic love
alone did only reside

there were few divorces
on the screen

marriage was
love and compromise
mainly

how really sad.....
now it is not like that

be happy
you had a dad
like he.....
and follow him
will thee

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

judyanne

Fri, 2016-05-20 09:43

judyanne's picture
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are good, they begin something, but then after
'now sad.....
it is not like that'
is waffle, that third stanza is confused, almost not making sense...
you need a stronger finish. ..
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

lovedly

Fri, 2016-05-20 12:45

lovedly's picture

that I should have shown
to the one who so spoke
about divorces and dads of yore

author comment

scribbler

Fri, 2016-05-20 16:41

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The good old days when love was meant to be for ever. This poem has too good a beginning and premise to just trail off as it does. You can finish more strongly with a bit of effort and wind up with wonderful instead of just OK.........stan

lovedly

Fri, 2016-05-20 23:40

lovedly's picture

but whenever I try
to mend broken chips
I flounder

still give a slice
of bread
to try again
morsel's worth t!

author comment

judyanne

Sat, 2016-05-21 01:29

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when lived dear dad
must be passed at least seventy
but a lovely wife he must have had
all devoted to his loving memory
as was then he

and then see if you feel anything more is needed ...
Just a suggestion...
Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

lovedly

Sat, 2016-05-21 09:11

lovedly's picture

is my command for me
I obey judy
you fly high above me
and forever shall
as my wings are clipped
tis sad!

author comment

judyanne

Sat, 2016-05-21 09:29

judyanne's picture
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You shouldn't follow my suggestions like a sheep, you need to be understanding the 'why'.... can you see a difference, and do you like it, or not? And why?
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

lovedly

Sat, 2016-05-21 10:55

lovedly's picture

I slashed the waffle
unwanted words
meaning obvious
and
good you taught
this novice poet
thanks
judy

novish puet

author comment
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