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Hell bitch on the rampage

Submitted by lou on Fri, 2010-12-10 00:25

Urban warrior ,
Don’t get in her way,
She’ll stamp you into the ground.

Inner city soldier,
Fighting for her rights
Breaking heads

( Chorus)
Hell bitch on the rampage
marauding renegade style
Living to defile

Hell bitch on the rampage
marauding renegade style
full of rage

Anarchy and misrule.
on the mean streets
of purgatory.

No mercy, no pity
In a fuck to you
Trooper style

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Bonitaj

Fri, 2010-12-10 02:42

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SHouldn't that read HAIL BITCH ON THE RAMPAGE? Sounds like a lot of anger there! ;)
Hope it's not all yours!
Regards
Boni

Bonitaj

lou

Fri, 2010-12-10 03:39

lou's picture

I don't always write from personal experience, sometimes i write a piece that is total fiction. This poem is a work of fiction.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

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Hooded Stranger

Fri, 2010-12-10 05:23

Hooded Stranger's picture

Lou,

nice and aggressive!

I am not sure (and this is just my opinion) that using the 'Hell bitch on rampage' works by having it at the beginning and end of stanza's one & four...it feels like you didn't know what else to put and filled it up with a repeat. To give it an edge, why don't you look at changing those last lines of those stanza's...an example:

Hell bitch on the rampage
Marauding, renegade style
Bitch from Hell full of rage

it isn't much of a change but it does offer a little more in the way of variety - especially with this being quite a short and punchy poem.

It would make a great song by the way - using the 'Hell Bitch' stanza's as a chorus. If you go down the song route, you may need an extra verse or two, or shuffle the existing ones around a little to make the other verses.

That all said, I liked the piece and felt your wrath...or certainly the wrath of the character portrayed in the poem/song.

regards,

HS

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lou

Fri, 2010-12-10 05:44

lou's picture

Everything you have said makes sense, i will take another look.

Cheers

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

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Candlewitch

Sat, 2010-12-11 10:48

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Anarchy and misrule.
on the mean streets
of purgatory.

I really like these lines! I wonder what was your inspiration?

love, Cat

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And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

lou

Sat, 2010-12-11 11:22

lou's picture

I was inspired by a couple of things, one thing was the riots that are going on in London at the moment and the other was something I'd be thinking about , which is are women as violent as men, under that soft caring surface.

Thank you for reading it, I'm so glad that you liked it.

Love Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

lou

Sat, 2010-12-11 14:19

lou's picture

Thank you

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

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