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THE HAUNT
I walk a floor that's there no more
above listing cracked foundation stones,
just me and memories of before
the ground received my weary bones
beneath that giant white oak tree.
All the fields I used to plow
turned fallow then grew up in weeds.
They're filled with mature pine trees now
to supply some sawmill's needs.
Dark forest far as I can see.
I don't know why I'm left behind
while loved ones have all gone beyond.
Yet they still live on in my mind,
a faint and everlasting bond,
which joins me to eternity.
Occasionally in deepest night
when whippoorwills sing their sad song
I see my loved ones in bright light
imploring me to come along.
That time has not yet come to be.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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Comments
judyanne
Thu, 2012-05-24 12:41
hi scribbles
this is an enjoyable write – I like the theme, or I should say I like the way you conveyed the theme of decay, deterioration…. I don’t think I like the theme lol
but I felt the last line spoilt it a little – seems you were leading to another ending – as you’d be along there someday – not never….
if you meant to convey that this is how you felt then imho it needs to be a bit clearer
there are a few lines off meter and a couple with extra syllable counts that aren’t feminine lines
a - BOVE | LIST - ing | SCATT – ered | CORN - er | STONES
They're FILLED with mat - URE PINE - trees NOW
to sup | PLY some | SAW - mill's | NEEDS
i SEE | my FAM | i - LY | in BRIGHT | LIGHT
excellent title
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Thu, 2012-05-24 13:25
Hi "J"
Here I was on verge of deleting this for lack of feedback. In the last stanza I mean to convey the longing to join his family on the other side along with resignation of realizing he never will. Been thinking of redoing almost entire last stanza. Thanks for stopping by............stan
author commentRoscoe Lane
Thu, 2012-08-09 01:18
Please,
Please stay with this family of poets, and let us enjoy our walks with your poems. Nice poem Regards Roscoe..
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
scribbler
Thu, 2012-08-09 08:43
Hi Roscoe
Not planning on going anywhere just yet. It just wouldn't fit in my schedule right now lol. Thanks for coming by...........stan
author commentjudyanne
Sun, 2013-02-10 10:55
yes
great edit on the last stanza stan
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Sun, 2013-02-10 13:09
Helloooooooooo Judy
See, I actually Do pay attention to suggestions lol. It just takes a while sometimes lol. And as usual, I expect I'll tinker with this one even more as time goes by. Appreciate you revisiting this one............stan
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